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The Science of Mehitabel 



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TO THE MANAGERS: 

/tz orc^er ^o avoid the de- 
lay necessarily attendant 
upon the circulation of a 
single manuscript among a 
number of managers, 
twelve copies of this play 
have been printed and ten 
of them are being sent out 
simultaneously to as many 
Nevj York producers. 

In case of rejection 
please return in the en- 
velope, stamped and ad- 
dressed, which accompanies 
this copy. 

Walter Linn. 
Carlisle, Pa., R. D. 6. 



A Play 

In 
Four Acts 



By 

Walter Linn 



COPYKIGIIT, 1912, DY WALTER LINN 



■:~ki-\> 


1 



A Play in Four Acts 



By Walter Linn 



Copyright by 

WALTER LINN, 

1912. 



^CID 29575 



THE CHARACTERS 



Mehitabel Lane, of Two Corners, Pa.; daughter of a 
high-class farmer; a girl who has enjoyed advant- 
ages, dresses in perfect taste and has charming man- 
ners. Loyal to the standards and ideals of the 
country and an enthusiastic student of domestic 
science at Boston. 

Dorothy Tomkins, cousin of Mehitabel; a New York 
society girl of the outer strata; stylish, good look- 
ing, athletic; fitted to grace any station except a 
station of usefulness ; possessing one ambition — to 
shine socially. 

Martha Tomkins, mother of Dorothy and just the kind 
of mother one would expect to bring up such a 
daughter. Originally of good stock and still rather 
prepossessing in appearance, her noblest concern is 
to convince the world that she is of Social Register 
material. Thus, she is inevitably silly. 

Henry Tomkins, husband of Martha, father of Dorothy 
and uncle of Mehitabel; a typical New York broker, 
rich and bluff, but of sound common sense omd a big 
heart. Entirely out of syntpathy with the social 
aspirations and pretentions of his wife and daughter. 
His only ambition to be permitted to enjoy domestic 
happiness and peace — blessings ivhich his money 
has not been able to buy for him. 

BURBECK Tomkins, brother of Dorothy; a slangy city 
boy of about fourteen, chafing under the artificialities 
of Riverside Drive, but a fine youngster at bottom. 
His dress shows the neglect of his incompetent 
mother. 

Donald Dunning, a wealthy young blue blood of the 
better sort, accounted one of the "catches" of New 
York. A fine fellow. Has~just published his first 



4 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

novel. Imagines himself in love ivith Dorothy, who 
ivas the inspiration of his heroine and ivho has been 
exerting every effort to "land" him. 

Tom Moore, of Tivo Corners; a farmer ivho is also a 
college graduate and knows hoiv to deport himself in 
good society. Neighbor and life-long friend of 
Mehitabel. 

Annie McCarthy, an Irish servant of the Tomkinses, 
who departs shortly after the opening of the first 
act to return no more. Her speech has a fine Gaelic 
flavor, but it is not an exceedingly ratv brogue. 

Mrs. Gammon, a bustling, commonplace little social 
climber several stages beloiu the Tomkinses, who 
makes a brief appearance in the first act. 

Sallie, a Tiuo Corners servant, redolent of the Cumber- 
land Valley, ivho has an important comedy part in 
the fourth act. 

Jerry, a native of Two Comers; the kind one sees in the 
funny papers. Has a small scene in the fourth act. 



ACT I 



Time: — Five o'clock in the afternoon of a day 
in November of a recent year. 
Scene: — Old English receptio7i hall of the 
Tomkins mansion in Riverside Drive, Neiv 
York. At right center is a broad staircase 
turning in both directions at a loiv landing. 
Just back of, and at right angles to, the stairs 
is an entrance with a sliding door, noiv open, 
disclosing the dining room. The other en- 



ACT I 5 

trance, at left center, is the front door of the 
mansion. Its beveled glass is covered with a 
filmy lace panel through which objects on the 
outside are dimly discernible. At right front, 
a luood fire flickers on an open hearth near 
which Dorothy is lounging in an attitude of 
elegant indolence in an easy chair, helping 
herself frequently to chocolates from a box on 
the massive table beside her. On the table is a 
bundle of golf clubs. At right back is a costly 
chime clock; center back a Victrola, in front of 
which Mrs. Tomkhv:-. is seated holding her 
poodle "Midget" and keeping time with her 
head to the canned cadences of Caruso's voice; 
two exquisitely curtained windoivs at back and 
another at left; polished ivood floor; expensive 
Oriental and fur rugs; fine pictures and bric-a- 
brac; a grand piano left back — in short, the 
shoiv place of a tvealthy home. Neither apart- 
ment nor occupants are garish in any respect, 
yet the scene and the characters immediately 
convey the impression that these ivorifien are of 
the ennuied leisure class — the class ivhich is 
continually obliged to assert its leisure for fear 
its status raay be underrated by those with 
whom leisure is a relaxation rather than a 
steady occupation!. Shortly after the curtain 
rises, Caruso finishes singing and Mrs. Tom- 
kins, lisping baby talk to her dog, rises to 
change the records. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 

Go's a pretty little pet, so oo is! 'Es! Oo like 
music! Mamma's going to play some more for her 
dearest Midget. {Puts poodle on chair.} Now sit there 
like a darling doggie. Mamma will be back in just one 
minute. 



6 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

[Dorothy springs up, lays the novel on the table, 
snatches a driver out of the golf hag and strikes 
an attitude. 1 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What in the world — 



Dorothy : 
"The Girl of the Golf Links"! This is the attitude 
that first attracted him, mother. I remember perfectly 
the occasion he describes here, and to do myself full 
credit, I felt at the time that I was rather effective. 
[She poses again.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Dorothy, I wish you would be more frank with me. 
Have you or have you not come to an understanding with 
Mr. Dunning? 

Dorothy : 
The papers have printed my picture as the heroine 
of his first book and we have been calling each other by 
our first names for two weeks. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Doubtfully] Still— 

Dorothy : 
Won't I lord it over those parvenus who have looked 
down on us when I am Mrs. Donald Dunning? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Don't you think it would be proper for your father 
to speak to him ? 

Dorothy : 
Mother! 



m 



ACT I 7 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Well, I just can't bear the suspense. It means so much 
to us socially. 

[A heavy jar somewhere overhead shakes the 
ceiling. Both women jump.} 

Dorothy : 

I hope Annie will leave us the house. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I vow never again to be kind to servants. [To her dog.] 
Never mind, sweet precious! Mamma's coming right 
away. [To Dorothy, as she adjusts the new record.} 
This is the ''Anvil Chorus", Dorothy. Isn't it perfectly 
sweet ? 

[A series of crashes in the rear of the house, as 
of someone dragging a heavy trunk downstairs, 
carries out the rhythm of the anvil strokes in 
that ivell knoiun classic.} 

Dorothy : 
Simply darling! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
The ungrateful creature ! 

[She turns to the Victrola. Dorothy goes back 
to her chair and her book. Enter Annie from 
dining room, red faced and truculent.} 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What does this mean, McCarthy ? 

Annie : 
For one thing, ma'am, it means that I'm tired bein' 



8 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

called McCarthy, like a ward politician in a barroom. 
Annie's my name. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I don't argue with servants. You are going. You are 
paid. [She finishes luith a shrug and turn^ to the Vic- 
trola.} 

Annie : 
Don't think, ma'am, that I would argue with them 
that's almost in the best circles, like the tail on a capital 
Q. I know my place, if you don't know yours. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
McCarthy ! 

Annie : 
Oh, ye needn't be McCarthyin' me! From this day 
forth, I'm Miss McCarthy to you ! 

Dorothy : 
Annie, would you mind telling me why you are leaving us 
so suddenly? 

Annie : 
Suddintly, is it? The camel's back broke suddintly, 
too, but they were a long time loadin' it. I'm leaving for 
the same reason the second girl and the housekeeper 
left — because I can't stand no more. 

Dorothy : 
Has either Mother or I done anything? 

Annie : 
Done anything? You don't do nothing except put on 
more airs every day! 




ACT I 

Mrs. Tomkins: 



McCarthy! 



Annie : 
Miss McCarthy! I'm not afraid to tell ye the truth! 
In the four months since I come, ye haven't been inside 
your kitchen once. Ye don't know no more about 
runniiT a house than ye know about runnin' a — a orange 
plantation in Siberia. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Leave this room and this house instantly ! 

Annie : 
It's a pleasure I've been looking forward to this long 
time. Here's a telegram that came yesterday while 
you and Miss Dorothy was at the Noorich tea. 

[She produces the message luhich Mrs. Tomkins 
takes but does not open.'] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Why have you not given this to me before ? 

Annie : 
My thoughts was otherwise engaged. iShe draws out 
her skirts in an awkward curtsy. 1 Goodbye, ladies! 
Take the advice of your last help and escape to a hotel. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
That will do ! 

Annie : 
There's plenty in the pantry, but it's my belief you'd 
starve to death in a rain of manna without somebody to 
drop it into your mouth. Good day ! Good day ! 

[Annie bows herself out of the dining room 



10 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

door. Dorothy rises and crosses to window at 
left, carrying her book with her. She leaves 
the chocolates on the chair by the fireplace.} 

Dorothy : 
I don't believe the Dunnings have such disgraceful 
scenes in their house. 

[The mother, out of conceit of the Victrola now 
and unmindful for the moment even of Midget, 
collapses into a chair.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I'm sure I don't know what more I could have done. 
I was kindness personified to that woman. She had 
every Thursday afternoon off. 

Dorothy : 
Read the telegram, Mother. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I'd forgotten all about it. [She opens and reads the 
message.] 



Who is it from? 



Merciful days 



Dorothy : 



Mrs. Tomkins 



Dorothy : 
Well, why don't you read it out loud ? Is it anything so 
terrible ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Terrible? Oh, my dear! 



ACT I 11 

Dorothy : 



I'm waiting. 



Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Reading] "Will arrive New York to-morrow after- 
noon. Account train connections would like to remain 
over night with you to make acquaintance of my city 
uncle and aunt. If inconvenient wire School of Domestic 
Science, Boston. — Mehitabel Lane." 

Dorothy : 

Who is Mehitabel Lane? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Your father's niece. 

Dorothy : 
I the cousin of a girl named Mehitabel ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
And that isn't the worst of it. She comes from the 
elegant and enlightened society of Two Corners, Penn- 
sylvania. 

Dorothy : 
That settles it! We'll have to grind the edges off the 
fruit knives. I only hope Donald doesn't see her. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
{Eagerly'] Maybe she won't come! [Hopelessly] If 
she does, we must do our best to keep her indoors and 
hurry her off bright and early in the morning. 

Dorothy : 

[Sinking doivn on a sofa Mehitabel! Two Corners, 
P-A ! [She groans.] 



12 ■ THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
There is one thing sure; I shall not call her by that 
horrid name! 

Dorothy : 
You'll whistle for her, I presume ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I shall call her Belle. 

Dorothy : 

Why, Mother, no white child has been called Belle since 
the civil war! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
\_As the chime clock strikes five.'] We'll have another 
scene, I suppose, when your father and Burbeck get home 
and discover that they can't have dinner here. 

Dorothy : 
What's to prevent our going down town ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Sighing] Only your father's peculiarities. He's so 
old-fashioned about some things ! One might almost call 
him crude. 

Dorothy : 
At any rate, we owe it to the poor man not to experi- 
ment on him ourselves. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Rising and taking up her poodle] I HOPE we are above 
the kitchen ! 

[Dorothy, ivho has happened to glance through 
the front ivindow, becomes suddenly agitated. 
She dashes wildly at her mother, drags her to 



ACT I 13 

the fireplace and pulls her down behind the 
chair.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Ejaculating as she goes] Is it a mouse? Is it a 
mouse ? 

Dorothy : 
Sh-h ! It's that disgusting little climber, Mrs. Gammon ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[In a lower voice] The presumptuous creature! [The 
bell rings.] I have a notion to go to the door and tell 
her we are not at home ! 

Dorothy : 
Keep quiet, Mother! Let her ring. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
And let everybody see her standing at our front door? 
Our friends will think that we are on calling terms with 
her. 

Dorothy : 
[As the hell rings again] You don't suppose she could 
have seen us, do you? [Tucks in her mother's skirt.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I don't want her to see us in this position anyway. 

Dorothy : 
I've heard it highly recommended by our rector. [The 
bell rings.] Ring away, my dear Mrs. Gammon ! 

[Sounds of conversation outside in which a 
male voice is distinguishable.] 



14 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Now who is that? 

Dorothy : 
[In despair'] It's Father! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! 

[A latchkey is heard slipping into the lock and 
the door opens. Enter Tomkins, followed by 
Mrs. Gammon.'] 

Tomkins : 
Come right in, Mrs. Gammon. If they're not home 
now, they soon will be. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
I wanted to see them just a moment on a matter of 
church business. 

Tomkins : 
[Placiyig a chair center] Take a seat. I'll go look 
for them. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Seating herself] You are very kind, Mr. Tomkins ! 

[As Tomkins turns, Midget jumps doivn from 
the chair and runs toward him. Mrs. Tomkins 
tries in vain to call her back. Tomkins ap- 
proaches the chair and stares in blank amaze- 
ment at the upturned, pleading faces of his luife 
and daughter.] 

Tomkins: 
Well, I'll be— 



ACT I 15 

[Seeing that the jig is up, Dorothy leaps to her 
feet, hook in hand. Her mother clambers up 
stiffly as Mrs. Gammon rises and faces them in 
astonishment. 1 

Dorothy : 
Why, Dad! How you frightened us! We were just 
looking over Donald's new book. Oh! Mrs. Gammon! 
[Advances with outstretched hand as though only now 
aware of the lady's presence.l You have surprised us 
in the midst of our literary pursuits. 

TOMKINS : 

Literary pursuits! I thought it was funny if you 
were both saying your prayers ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You know, Mrs. Gammon, that Dorothy is generally 
believed to be the heroine of Mr. Dunning's novel. Our 
friends do us the honor to imagine that she is "The Girl 
of the Golf Links." 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Forgiving and fawning] Everybody knows that, and 
everybody who knows anything about New York society 
knows that Mr. Dunning couldn't have chosen a more 
charming heroine. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Simpering] So kind ! 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Playfully to Dorothy] You are a lucky girl, Miss 
Tomkins. He is by all odds the catch of New York. 

Dorothy : 
Perhaps. Won't you be seated, Mrs. Gammon ? 



16 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Gammon: 
Some other time. I just dropped in now to ask if I 
might put you down for a subscription to our poor chil- 
dren's Christmas fund? 

Mrs. Tom kins: 
Certainly ! The dear little waifs ! I'll give twenty-five 
dollars. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Making a note] Oh, thanks ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Is that enough? 

Mrs. Gammon: 
Most generous, I'm sure ! 

Dorothy : 
You may put me down for another twenty-five, Mrs. 
Gammon. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Making another note] I hope this will bring you 
your heart's dearest wish. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Now, Mrs. Gammon, you mustn't cause talk about 
Dorothy and Donald. 

Tomkins : 
No, Mrs. Gammon, he might not like it. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[Finger to lips] Not a word ! Goodbye ! Do come to 
see me ! 



ACT I 17 

Dorothy : 
\_Folloiving the visitor to the door'] We WILL try to 
get around soon. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Indeed we will. We've spoken about it so often. 
Goodbye, my dear! 

Tomkins : 
[From the rear} Goodbye, Mrs. Gammon. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
[At the open door] Goodbye, Mr. Tomkins. What a 
perfect view you have ! [She passes through the door.] 

Tomkins: 
And Mrs. Gammon ! 

Mrs. Gammon: 
Yes, Mr. Tomkins? 

Tomkins: 
Call again. 

Mrs. Gammon: 
Thank you, I shall. 

Tomkins : 
Call soon and often. 

[The door closes and the storm breaks. Dorothy 
and her mother turn on Tomkins in a rage and 
Tomkins gloivers fiercely at them.l 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Henry Tomkins, you're a fool ! 



18 . THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dorothy : 
Do you want to ruin us? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
If you have no respect for yourself, you might at least 
have some consideration for the social position of your 
wife and daughter. 

Tomkins: 
And a most enviable position it was when I came in! 
Let me tell you, Martha, and you, too, Dorothy, there is a 
limit to the snobbery I will endure. Another such out- 
rageous exhibition as this and, by the lord, I'll move you 
into a Harlem flat ! 

Dorothy : 
We're not one of the old families, Father. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
And we can't afford to be intimate with bounders, even 
if we had any inclination to be. 

Tomkins: 
Then why do you complain of the snubs you get when you 
try to bound into the crowd that feels toward you as you 
feel toward Mrs. Gammon? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
As a husband and father you OUGHT to be able to see that 
there is a difference. 

Tomkins: 
The difference between Tweedledum and Tweedledee ! 

[With a ivave of disgust he dismisses the sub- 
ject, pulls a small parcel from his pocket, slams 
it on the table, drops into the chair where 



ACT I 19 

Dorothy has left her chocolates in ambush, and 
buries himself in a newspaper.} 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
It is fortunate that the position of this family doesn't 
depend on YOUR efforts. 

Tomkins : 
Don't talk to me! I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm worried 
and my feet hurt like blazes ! 

Dorothy : 
[Who has opened the parcel] Oh, Mother! The new 
Social Register ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
See if the Martins are in yet. 

Dorothy : 
That's just what I was looking for. 

Tomkins: 
And if they're in, find out whether it's for thirty or sixty 
days. 

Dorothy : 
No, they haven't made it yet, thank heaven ! That Anna- 
belle would have been simply intolerable. Let's see the 
T's. Thane, Thorwald, Thomas — [Her eyes and mouth 
open wide. She stares at the book and then fairly 
shouts:] Henry Tomkins! 

Tomkins: 
You're getting rather fresh, aren't you ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Coming up on the run] Mercy on us ! Let me see I 



20 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

Dorothy : 
It's here! It's here on page 93! IReacWl "Tomkins, 
Henry. House Riverside Drive. Clubs, Travelers and 
Golf. Mrs. Henry (Burbeck) Tomkins, Miss Dorothy 
Tomkins and Burbeck Tomkins." Father! How did 
you do it? 

Tomkins: 
[Surprised and not pleased] I didn't. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[To Dorothy] It is simply a recognition of merit, my 
dear. Society recognizes one in time, if one is really 
deserving of it. If not — \_an eloquently contemptuous 
shrug] . Let me look at that again, Dorothy. 

Tomkins : 
What new agony will we have to put on to live up to this ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Ignoring him] Right between the Thomases and the 
Tophams ! 

Dorothy: 
There isn't a more impressive page in the book, unless 
it is the D-u-n's. 

Tomkins: 
Duns are always impressive. 

[The broker, who has given mute evidence from 
time to time that his feet are causing him many 
pangs, suddenly begins to unlace his shoes. 
His tvife is horrified.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Henry! What ARE you doing? 



ACT I 21 

TOMKINS : 
Trying to find out whether there are two feet or four 
in my shoes. 

[By sundry sniffs, jerks of her head and motions 
of her lips, Mrs. Tomkins indicates that she 
strongly disapproves of the investigation. 
Dorothy, too, seems to feel that it isn't exactly 
in harmony ivith the dignity of a Social Register 
family to remove one's shoes in the reception 
hall, hut they say nothing and Tomkins pulls off 
one shoe and then the other ivith audible satis- 
faction.] 



Tomkins : 



Only two ! 



[Both socks have huge holes in the feet. 
Tomkins studies them pensively for a moment 
ayid then, holding up one foot, he wiggles the 
toes for the edification of his wife.] 

Tomkins: 
Look at that ! {Holds up the other foot] And that ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You have money enough to buy new ones. 

Tomkins: 
I buy a dozen pairs every time I think about it, but this 
is the only kind I can keep in my chiffonier. My Mother 
would never have put away a pair of socks like that. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
No? 

Tomkins : 
No ! She would have darned them. 



22 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dorothy : 
{Laying doum the Social Register, which her indignant 
mother j^icks up.] No woman who is anybody DARNS 
to-day, Father. 

TOMKINS: 

A woman to be somebody nowadays has to make herself 
about as useful as a Chinese lady's foot. [Holds up the 
shoes'] I'll give you a dollar if you'll take these Spanish 
inquisitions upstairs and bring me my slippers. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You needn't settle yourself for the evening, Henry. We 
will have to go downtown to dinner. 

Tomkins: 
[Rising angrily, shoes in hand and candy sticking to his 
coattails] Another one gone? 

Dorothy : 
Father Tomkins! You've gone and mashed my choco- 
lates ! 

[Tomkins passes his hand over the only place 
where he would have been likely to have mashed 
them and finds the charge is true.] 

Dorothy : 
And I hadn't eaten half of them. 

[Enter Burbeck from the dining roofn, eating a 
banana.] 

Burbeck : 
Annie's gone! No dinner to-night. [He observes his 
irate father throwing the sticky mess of candy into the 
fire, handful at a time.] Better save it, Dad. We may 
need it. 



ACT I 23 

[Tomkins stares at him haughtily. Burbeck, 
unabashed, tu7'ns to his mother, but addresses 
the poodle instead, chucking it under the chin.'] 

Burbeck : 
Hello, Midget! How's your mamma? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Draiuing the dog away] . Stop teasing her, you rude 
boy! 

Dorothy : 

[Noticing that her brother's waistcoat is gaping] You're 
the sloppiest kid in Riverside Drive, Burbeck. Why 
don't you keep your vest buttoned? 

Burbeck : 
You mean "wes'cut". 

Dorothy : 
Well, why don't you button it? 

Burbeck : 
I ran out of nails yesterday. [Sees someone passing 
window.] Oo-oo! Look who's coming. Here, Dad, 
hold my banana while I go pick that peach. 

[The astonished Tomkins, who has picked up 
his shoes preparatory to making a dignified exit, 
takes the banana, holding it foolishly in his dis- 
engaged hand. The bell rings.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[To her husband] Your shoes! 

[Tomkins tries to cover one foot with the other. 
There is no time for flight.] 



24 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
[At door'] How do you do? Come right in. 

A Voice : 
Are Mr. and Mrs. Tomkins at home? 

BURBECK : 

Yes, Father and Mother are both at home. We're all at 
home, in fact. I'm delighted to see you. 

[Enter Mehitabel. Burbeck ushers her briskly 
to his mother.] 

Burbeck : 
Mother, here is — [He turns inquiringly to the new- 
comer.] 

Mehitabel : 
Mehitabel Lane. 

[Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy are dumbfounded 
to learn that this handsome, dainty girl, per- 
fectly goivned and possessing a distinct "air", 
is the dreaded country cousin. They stare at 
her stupidly, as does Tomkins, when he hears 
the name.] 

Tomkins : 
Who? 

Mehitabel : 
Mehitabel Lane, the daughter of your sister, Sarah. 

[Overjoyed, Tomkins drops shoes and bannna 
and springs foy^ward, embracing her warmly.] 

Tomkins : 
My little Sarah's child! Bless your heart! You're 
almost as welcome as though you were Sarah herself ! 



ACT I 25 

Mehitabel : 
[Laughing and almost crushed'] I can believe it, Uncle 
Henry. 

TOMKINS : 
[Holding her at arm's length and gazing at her admir- 
ingly] Where in the world did you come from, Mehita- 
bel? How are your mother and father? Are they in 
town, too? Why didn't you let us know you were 
coming? 

[Mehitabel looks surprised and is on the point 
of ansivering ivhen Burbeck, unwilling to allow 
his father to m^onopolize the pretty visitor, steps 
on his bare toes, causing Tomkins to break away 
ivith a yell. It also calls his attention to the fact 
that his toes are unduly conspicuous. He 
thrusts them under a rug as the triumphant 
Burbeck gives Mehitabel a resounding smack.] 

Burbeck : 
Gee, but I'm glad you're my cousin ! 

Mehitabel : 
This is Burbeck, I presume? 

Burbeck : 
That's my name. Mother gave it to me before I was old 
enough to fight. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Any boy might be proud of the name. 

Burbeck : 
[To Mehitabel] Sounds like a new variety of potato, 
doesn't it? 



26 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS : 
This is your Aunt Martha, Mehitabel. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Kissing her formally polite relative^ And to think, 
Aunt Martha, that this is the first time I have ever seen 
you. [She takes a paw of the poodle in her fingers] How 
do you do, doggie ? What a bright little face it has. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Pleased] She took the blue ribbon in the poodle class at 
the dog show last winter. 

[Exit Burbeck, L.] 

Tomkins: 
And your Cousin Dorothy, Mehitabel. I used to think 
she looked like your mother when she was a baby. Do 
you see the resemblance? 

[Mehitabel scans her cousin seriously; then, 
smiling, kisses her.] 

Mehitabel : 
ril grant you anything else. Cousin ' Dorothy, but I'm 
jealous of that resemblance. 

Dorothy : 
Then I promise not to compete for it. 

Mehitabel : 
Uncle Henry, I infer from what you said that you didn't 
get my telegram. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
The reason was that our cook, who received it yesterday, 
failed to hand it to me until she took French leave this 
afternoon. 



ACT I 27 

Mehitabel : 
Then I know I am interfering with your plans. I shall 
go straight to the station and take the night train. My 
taxi is waiting for me. 

[Enter Berbeck L. ivith Uirge handbag.'] 

BURBECK : 
No it isn't. I paid the man and told him to hike. 



Good for you, Beckie ! 



Don't say that, Dad? 



Tom KINS : 



BURBECK : 



Mrs. Tomkins: 
You are quite as welcome as though we had got the tele- 
gram on time. 

Tomkins : 
[Emerging from the rug and sitting doivn to put on his 
shoes] Well, I should say you are ! [As Mehitabel 
glances at his feet.] I was trying to hide them, Mehita- 
bel, but you see what a swell chance I had. Don't tell 
your mother about it, will you ? 

Dorothy : 

[Interrupting] Shall we go to Rector's, Father? 

Tomkins: 
[Making a ivry face as he draws on one shoe] I suppose 
so. Lord, how I wish we could keep a cook ! 

Mehitabel : 
You know I am a domestic scientist, to say nothing of 
being a farmer's daughter. With a little assistance in 
finding things, it would be great fun for me to get 
dinner. 



28 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 

That just shows how families drift apart nowadays. I 
didn't know you were studying domestic science. 

MEHITABEL : 

I will be graduated from the Boston school next spring. 

Tom KINS : 
And can you get a whole dinner all by yourself? 

MEHITABEL : 
Try me. 

TOMKINS: 
[Removing the shoe he had put on] Burbeck, bring me 
my Romeos. 

Burbeck : 
I have to act as pilot, Dad. Nobody else knows where 
the kitchen is. 

MEHITABEL : 

Have we your permission, Aunt Martha ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Not cordially'] Oh, certainly! 

[Mehitabel picks up the shoes and the banana, 
handing the shoes to Dorothy.] 

MEHITABEL : 

If you will exchange your father's shoes for his slippers, 
Cousin Dorothy, Burbeck and I will see what we can find. 

Dorothy : 
[Coldly] Very well. 

[She stalks upstairs with the shoes, as Mehita- 



ACT I 29 

bel removes her hat and wraps, Burbeck spring- 
ing forward to take them. He deposits them 
on a convenient chair. 1 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You will find things in great disorder, I'm afraid. 

Mehitabel : 
We'll try to set them to rights. Had you made any plans 
for dinner, Aunt Martha? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I never meddle with kitchen affairs. 

[Mehitabel looks surprised. Tomkins settles 
himself comfortably ivith his neivspaper in the 
chair by the fire.'] 

Tomkins : 
If they were all like you, Mehitabel, race suicide would 
go out of style. 

Mehitabel : 
Better reserve your decision until you have eaten the 
dinner, Uncle Henry. 

[Exit Mehitabel and Burbeck to dining room. 
Midget, breaking away from her mistress, trots 
after them. Burbeck closes the door behind 
them.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Henry, I don't approve of this at all. 

Tomkins: 
Approve of what? 



30 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Of sending a respectable girl into a kitchen. 

Tomkins: 
Is there anything in our kitchen a respectable girl 
shouldn't see? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
The kitchen is no place for a girl. 

Dorothy : 
[Desceyiding the stairs with the slippers'] I say so, too. 
I don't want any of my friends to know that I'm the 
cousin of a cook. 

[She hands the slippers to her father. He 
puts them on.] 

Tomkins: 
It's comforting to know there's one in the connection. 

Dorothy : 
Cooks can be hired for six dollars a week. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
And ladies must be trained from birth. 

Tomkins: 
For what? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Why — why to be ladies ! 

[Tomkins grunts and returns to his paper. The 
bell rings. Dorothy crosses to the door and 
opens it. Immediately one of her luorst moods 
becomes one of her most charming. Mrs. 
Tomkins, too, improves wonderfully.] 



ACT I 31 

Dorothy : 
Come in, Donald. 

lEnter Dunning. They shake hands. Tomkins 
and his wife rise.'] 

Dunning : 
Looking like a picture, as usual, Dorothy. [Bowing to 
the others} Good evening. 

Tomkins : 
Hello, Donald. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
How is the talented young author this evening? 

Dunning : 
The talented young author is ravenously hungry after a 
game of golf and he has just paused on his way to dinner 
to ask if your daughter has to-morrow evening free? 

Dorothy : 

She has. 

Dunning: 
May I appropriate it? 

Dorothy : 
It will give me great pleasure to bestow it on you. 

Dunning : 
Without even asking what I intend to do with it ? I take 
that as a compliment. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Indeed, you should! Dorothy isn't so gracious to every 
young man. 



32 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning: 
Then I must try not to abuse her confidence in me. [To 
Dorothy'] I have tickets for something that has been 
highly recommended to me. I'll call for you at a quarter 
of eight. 

Dorothy : 
I'll try not to keep you waiting. 

TOMKINS: 
Why not stay to dinner with us, Donald? 

\_Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy exchange fright- 
ened glances.'] 

Dorothy : 
[Weakly] Yes, do, Donald. 

DUNNING : 
You tempt me. 

Tomkins: 
Give me your hat. {He takes it and lays it beside Mehita- 
bel's ivraps. 

Dunning: 
A hungry man needs little urging. [He tosses his neius- 
paper on the table and picks up the Social Register.] The 
new register? I haven't seen it yet. 

Dorothy : 
Isn't it a shame the way they invade one's privacy. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Heretofore, we have been allowed to escape, but we find 
that this year we, too, must be put in the pillory. 

[The women do not notice Dunning' s expres- 



ACT I 33 

sion of astonishment and displeasure, but Tom- 
kins, who has had his suspicions about the 
Social Register episode, reads a confirmation of 
those suspicions in Dunning' s face. The young 
man puts down the register and takes up his 
oivn novel.l 

Dunning : 
"The Girl of the Golf Links". Another invasion of 
privacy. 

[Tomkins goes back to his easy chair and his 
paper.'] 

Dorothy : 
That's very different. There is some honor in being a 
model for genius. 

Dunning: 
It's good to be appreciated. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Who could help appreciating "The Girl of the Golf 
Links" It is perfectly sweet ! 

Dorothy : 
Oh, I think it's the dearest thing ! 

Dunning: 
I thought so, too, when I wrote it. 

•Dorothy : 
Do I understand, sir, that you are out of conceit of your 
Jane Lee? 

Dunning: 
Out of conceit of myself. 



34 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 
That's pretty serious for an author, isn't it? 

Dunning: 
[Laughing and taking a chair near Tomkins] It's very 
humihating at any rate. Tell me, Mr. Tomkins, was my 
pen picture of your daughter a true likeness ? 

Dorothy : 
You flattered me outrageously, but your heroine and I 
are alike in one respect — in our fondness for home and 
fireside. 

Tomkins: 
She means the parlor fire. 

Dunning: 
Young ladies of her station aren't supposed to be inter- 
ested in the kitchen fire, are they? 

Tomkins: 
Donald, Donald! I'm afraid you're an unsophisticated 
youth yet. 

Dunning : 

Why? 

[Mrs. Tomkins signals Dorothy to a mute con- 
ference at left, tuhich evidently has to do with 
the kitchen dilemma.] 

Tomkins: 
You admit, don't you, that woman's chief charm is as a 
home maker? 

Dunning: 
Of course. 



ACT I 35 

TOMKINS: 

Well, tell me, which could the home dispense with best — 
a town hall like this, or the kitchen ? 

Dunning : 
I never thought of it in that light. 

TOMKINS: 

You probably won't so long as your three meals a day 
roll along smoothly to stoke the fires of your passionate 
sentiment. But there ! I guess I have a grouch to-day. 
Everything's gone wrong. Say! [He glances at Mrs. 
Tomkins and Dorothy to he sure they are not listening.'] 
Wasn't it you put us in the Social Radiator? 

Dunning : 
The Social Register? 

Tomkins : 
I knew it was a hot one somehow. You did it, didn't 
you? 

Dunning: 
We-11, not exactly — 

Tomkins : 
Not exactly, but you did. I thought so all along, and I 
certainly appreciate it. 

Dunning : 
You ! Why, Mr. Tomkins, I would have taken my Bible 
oath you didn't care a fig for social distinction. 

Tomkins: 
Haven't I as good a right to make a polite bluff as my 
wife and daughter have to make the other kind ? 



36 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning : 
[Laughing and growing serious] Mr. Tomkins, you're 
the finest man I know. 

Tomkins : 
Not much in the papers to-day. 

Dunning: 
The embezzlement is about the only important local news 
I've seen. 

Tomkins: 
Embezzlement? There's nothing here about an em- 
bezzlement. 

Dunning : 

[Reaching for the paper on the table] Perhaps mine is 
a later edition. The cashier of the Security Trust and 
Safety Deposit has disappeared with half a million 
dollars. 

[Tomkins rises as though someone had struck 
him. Dunning, opening his neivspaper does 
not observe his agitation. The tivo women, talk- 
ing in pantomime across the stage are thinking 
only of their otvn aivkward predicament.] 

Dunning: 
They say the bank is hopelessly involved. Here it is. 

[He holds out the paper to Tompkins, pointing 
with one forefinger to a flaring headline on the 
first page, but when he raises his eyes, he is 
aghast at the change in Tomkiris' appearance. 
The broker looks as though he luere on the verge 
of collapse. Eyes staring, jaivs set and fists 
clenched, he slowly resumes his seat.] 



ACT I 37 

Dunning : 
Mr. Tomkins! Are you ill? 

TOMKINS: 

My bank ! 

Dunning : 
Surely it won't be so serious for you as that? 

Tomkins: 
I'm ruined ! 

Dunning : 
But I don't understand. You are not a banker. You're 
a broker. 

Tomkins: 
I'm a broke broker. 

Dunning : 
Well, now, Mr. Tomkins, maybe — 

Tomkins : 
Thanks, Donald, but there's no comfort in the situation 
for me. I know exactly how things stand. I've been 
afraid of this for months. The bank's failure means 
my failure. I'm busted — flat. 

\_Dunning lays his hand on the arm of Tomkins' 
chair. The tivo men sit silent.} 

Dorothy : 

[In loiv tones to her mother-] 1 don't see any way out of 
it. Father has just gone and ruined us, that's what he's 
done. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
We must do something ! Let me think ! Let me think ! 



38 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Oh, dear ! My head is in a whirl ! 

Dorothy : 
I simply can't introduce as my blood relative a girl who 
deliberately places herself in the position of a menial. 

[The sliding door of the dining room opens a 
few inches and Burbeck sticks out his grinning 
face. He sees Dunning.'] 

Burbeck : 
Hello, Mr. Dunning! You here? 



Dunning : 



Yes, Burbeck. 



Burbeck : 
That's all right. I can fix it for you without so much as 
speaking to the cook. [He disappears and slides the 
door to.] 

TOMKINS: 
[To Dunning] Go back to them and keep- them amused 
until I get a chance to gather myself together. They 
mustn't know just now. I'll tell them — later. I wouldn't 
mind it so much if it were only I who suffered. But how 
can THEY face such a crisis ? 

[Dunning grips him ivarmly by the hand and 
turns without a word just as Mrs. Tomkins, 
breaking off the conference tvith Dorothy, is 
sidling toivard the dining room. Whatever her 
object may have been, she abandons it at once 
upon perceiving that she is discovered.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I thought you had deserted us, Mr. Dunning. 



ACT I 39 

Dunning : 
Mr. Tomkins and I have been talking business. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Business! Always business! I am sick of the word. 
It intrudes upon all our pleasures. 

Dorothy : 
I didn't think authors were interested in business. 

Dunning: 
They are when they have enough of this world's goods to 
make it worth their while to be interested. 

Dorothy : 
Then you consider the purely artistic temperament 
merely a matter of poverty? 

Dunning : 
I am beginning to think it a delusion and a fraud. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
That doesn't sound like 'The Girl of the Golf Links". 

Dunning: 
There are times when "The Girl of the Golf Links" 
doesn't sound right to me, and this is one of them. 

Dorothy : 
Disowning the child of your own brain! What do you 
think of that, Father? 

Tomkins : 
Eh? What? 

Dorothy : 
Mr. Dunning repudiates his own novel. 



40 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

TOMKINS: 
Oh, yes ! yes ! To be sure ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 

Don't mind Mr. Tomkins' peculiar answers, Mr. Dun- 
ning. He is often abstracted like that. I tell him he is 
too self -centered. 

Dunning: 

It is so easy to become self-centered ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Indeed it is! And I say that we should all make it a 
point to resist it; to fight against it; to assert our will 
power. 

[The sliding door of the dining room is rolled 
hack, disclosing a beautifully appointed table 
■with candles burning and chairs placed. Enter 
Burbeck and Mehitabel in high good humor. To 
carry out her role as cook, Mehitabel has put 
on one of Annie's caps and aprons and she ap- 
pears now a sublimated ivaitress. Dunning 
gazes at her in admiration, Mrs. Tomkins and 
Dorothy in horror. At sight of the stranger, 
Mehitabel shoius signs of confusion. She turns 
to Burbeck.] 

Mehitabel : 
Why, Burbeck, you didn't tell me — 

[The7'e is an aivkward pause — awkward for all 
except Tomkins, ivho has not yet become aware 
of the situation. Burbeck stands in open- 
mouthed amazement, unable to comprehend it 
all. Donald glances inquiringly from Mehitabel 
to Dorothy and her mother, but they are trans- 



ACT I 41 

fixed with mortification. It does not take 
Mehitabel long to perceive that they do not wish 
to introduce her. A flash of pride passes over 
her face. Her features assume the cold im- 
passiveness of the trained servant. She curtsies 
slightly.] 



Dinner is served. 



Mehitabel : 



[Cu7'tain.'] 



[Curtain rises again as Mrs. Tomkins and 
Dorothy, a great load having been taken from 
their minds, start for the dining room with 
Dunning.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Come, Mr. Dunning. 



Dorothy : 



Wake up, Father! 



[They have entered the dining room as the 
astonished Burbeck leaps forivard with blazing 
eyes and Tomkins, realizing tvhat has been done, 
strides toivard Mehitabel.] 

Tomkins: 
What does this mean, I'd like to know? 

[Mehitabel places a finger to her lips ivith a look 
that silences them both. Reluctantly, angrily, 
they follotu the others into the dining room, 
Mehitabel by^inging up the rear.] 

[Curtain.] 



42 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 



[Another glimpse shows the party seated at the 
table, Mehitabel serving.] 



[Final Curtain.] 



ACT II 43 

ACT II 

-Time: — About 10:30 the same evening. 
Scene: — Tomkins' den on the second floor of 
his Riverside Drive mansion. The room is 
much smaller, cozier and more homelike than 
the reception hall. It has a table ivith a drop 
light, pape7's, books and magazines on it. The 
one entrance is a door at right back, opening 
into the hall. There are tiuo windows at right. 
Center back is a bookcase, surmounted by a bust 
of some distinguished laivyer or statesman; left 
back, a built-in wall cabinet. At left center is 
an open fireplace ivith a wood fire almost burnt 
out. On the mantel are ornaments of various 
kinds, including a tall vase toward the front. 
In the angle of the chimney is a box filled with 
wood. Pictures, furniture, ornaments are all 
such as a man of means and simple tastes would 
gather about him in a lounging room that is for 
himself alone. The chairs are of the sumptuously 
easy kind. One of them, is drawn up before the 
fire now and in it sits Tomkins, gazing into the 
dying embers, which seem to be symbolic of his 
own case. He has done his best to keep up ap- 
pearances during the dinner and the early part 
of the evening, but at last has felt obliged to 
steal aivay to quiet and seclusion. Faintly 
audible music and laughter indicate that the 
blow which has fallen upon this house has not 
yet been revealed to the rest of the family. 
Enter Burbeck. As he opens and shuts the 
door, the sounds of merriinent become for an 
instant more distinct. The boy approaches to 
ivithin a few feet of his father before he speaks. 

Burbeck : 
[Softly'] What's the matter, Dad? 



44 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

TOMKINS: 

[Coming out of his revery] Burbeck ! 

BURBECK : 

Can't you tell me what it is? 

TOMKINS : 
I thought I had kept up appearances better than that. 
Wasn't I as lively as the rest of you ? 

Burbeck : 
Oh, you were as lively as a grasshopper on a hot shovel. 

[Tomkins' short laugh is entirely mirthless.l 

Burbeck : 
But the shovel is hot — isn't it, Dad? 

[In his boyish tenderness he dratus nearer to 
his father and Tomkins puts an arm around 
him affectionately. '] 

Tomkins : 
Red hot! Beckie, do you think you could stand mis- 
fortune ? 

Burbeck : 
I can stand anything but "Beckie". 

Tomkins : 
You're going to be put to the test, my boy. You may 
have to be the man of the family and I want you to prove 
yourself true blue. 

Burbeck : 
I — I'll do my best. 



ACT II 45 

TOMKINS : 
And whatever happens, you'll never think ill of your 
father? You'll always remember that he tried to do 
the best he could for you and that he loved you ? Promise 
me that, Burbeck. 

BuRBECK : 
[Sniffling'\ You can call me ''Beckie" if it'll help you 
any. Dad. 

TOMKINS : 
If anything were to happen to me, you must look out for 
your mother and sister. They — they aren't quite so well 
fitted to take hard knocks as you and I, Beckie. 

Burbeck : 
Gee, Dad ! I don't know what all this means. You look 
as serious as I feel when my last suspender button busts. 

[Tomkins rises and laughs as he slaps Burbeck 
on the shoulder.] 

TOMKINS: 

There, there, boy ! We mustn't get maudlin, you and I. 
We have our work cut out for us. I want you to be pre- 
pared as I am prepared ; that's all. Go down stairs now 
and tell them I have something of great importance to 
say to theiTi — here. 

Burbeck : 

Yes, sir! 

[Anxious, alarmed, aived, he turns toward the 
door, hut his father stops him.] 

TOMKINS : 
Tell Dunning to come up, too. 



46 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
Yes, Dad. {Turns again and is again checked.^ 

TOMKINS: 

Burbeck ! 

BURBECK : 

Sir? 

TOMKINS: 

See that Mehitabel comes, too. I'll put an end to that 
disgraceful snobbery if it's my last act on earth. 

[Burbeck's thoughts have noiv been diverted 
from the serious business in hand. He walks 
back to his father, exploding as he goes.'] 

Burbeck : 
Wasn't that the limit, though? What did Mother and 
Sis mean by playing such a trick, anyway? Why they 
let Mr. Dunning think Mehitabel was our maid ! 

TOMKINS: 

I'll disillusion him. 

Burbeck : 
I was on the point of saying a couple of harsh slang 
words myself two or three times, but Mehitabel always 
caught my eye and squelched me. Say, Dad ! Isn't she 
a queen ? 

TOMKINS: 

[Turning as though to dismiss the subject] She is a fine 
girl. 

Burbeck : 
Worth half a dozen of Dorothy's friends. Fact is, the 



ACT II 47 

more of Dorothy's friends you put together, the less 
they're worth. 

TOMKINS: 
No more now, Burbeck. 

BURBECK : 
Ail right, Dad, but on the level, wasn't there class to that 
dinner! And it was as good as Vv^atching a champion- 
ship game to see Mehitabel do it. She just had the Eng- 
lish on the balls all the time. She had the English on 
me, too. Why honest to gosh, Dad, I think I got about 
half of that dinner myself. 

TOMKINS : 
Another time I should like to hear about it, Burbeck, but 
there is something disagreeable on my mind just now. 
When you get to be a man see that you marry a girl like 
Mehitabel. 

Burbeck : 
Like her? I'm going to marry her! 

TOMKINS : 
Oh ! Well, deliver my message first, please. 

Burbeck : 

I'll go right away. 

[Goes but pauses at the door.] 

Burbeck: 
Dad! [No aTiswer.] Oh, Dad! 

TOMKINS : 
Yes? 



48 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
Don't you think another piece of that Dutch apple cake 
would make you feel better ? 

TOMKINS: 
You may have my piece to-night. 

BURBECK : 

Thanks, Dad ! 

[Exit Burbeck, closing the door behind him. 
Tomkins, plunged back into his own disquiet- 
ing thoughts, takes a turn or two back and forth 
and then goes to the cabinet. He opens it and 
surveys the contents. First he takes out a re- 
volver, examines and replaces it. Then he 
thumbs over a bundle of papers until he finds 
the one he luants — a fo7'mal-looking document 
with a gold seal on it. Replacing the others, he 
reads this one over carefully.'] 

Tomkins: 
[Reading] "Without restriction as to cause of death." 

[Apparently satisfied, he lays the policy by 
itself in a more conspicuous place on the shelves, 
and as he does so there is a rap at the hall door. 
He bangs shut the door of the cabinet and puts 
his back to it.] 

Tomkins : 
Come! 

[Enter Mehitabel, still wearing the cap and 
apron.] 

Tomkins: 
You are prompt, Mehitabel. Where are the others? 



ACT II 49 

Mehitabel : 
They are in the midst of a phonographic selection, Uncle 
Henry, but they will be along presently. I came first 
because I wanted to ask you to do me a favor. 

TOMKINS : 
Certainly this household owes you something after the 
insult of this evening, Mehitabel. Why didn't you let 
me speak when I wanted to ? 

Mehitabel : 
It was about that I came to talk to you, Uncle Henry. I 
want you to promise me that you won't expose my little 
game. 

TOMKINS : 

No! 

Mehitabel : 
Remember, I ask it as a favor, Uncle Henry. 

TOMKINS: 

Anything but that, Mehitabel ! 

Mehitabel : 
Please ! 

TOMKINS : 
No! As it is, I feel as though I could never look my 
sister in the face. To think that Sarah's child should 
be — Why didn't you throw a chair at them, Mehitabel ? 

Mehitabel : 
Won't you promise? 

TOMKINS : 
Why do you ask a thing like that ? 



50 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mehitabel : 
I ask it because I wouldn't for all this world be the cause 
of an estrangement between Dorothy and the man she 
loves. 

Tom kins: 
If that's the sort of food their love feeds on, the sooner 
they are estranged the better. I'll bring Dorothy to her 
knees for that ! 

Mehitabel : 
Views of life are only a question of one's position, Uncle 
Henry. Why should I blame Dorothy? And why should 
you blame her, who placed her in the position from which 
she took her views? 

TOMKINS : 

If that's the case, I'm going to make amends right now. 
I'll take her out of that position and put her in one that'll 
be a lot better for her manners, if not for her pride. 

Mehitabel : 
Uncle Henry, unless you promise to do what I ask, I shall 
leave your house this instant. 

TOMKINS: 
No, no ! Don't do that ! I'll promise anything ! 

[Mehitabel stares at him in amazement. His 
manner is almost cringing now.l 

TOMKINS: 

I always depended on your mother when I was a boy, and 
I need someone like her to depend on now. 

Mehitabel : 
^Drawing nearer^ You are in trouble. Uncle Henry. 



ACT II 51 

TOMKINS : 
Yes. 

[Mehitabel takes his arm and lays one cheek 
against his shoulder. He pats her head.l 

TOMKINS : 
You are so much like Sarah. You know exactly what 
to say. 

Mehitabel : 
I didn't say anything. 

TOMKINS: 

I know it. 

[Voices heloiv become more distinct and foot- 
steps are heard on the stairs. Mehitabel starts 
toiuard the fireplace and raises a tuarning finger 
to Tomkins.l 



Mehitabel : 



Don't forget ! 



TOMKINS : 
I submit, but it's under protest. 

[Tomkins paces the floor nervously and Mehita- 
bel busies herself about the hearth, putting on 
more wood, siveeping up the ashes and generally 
setting things to rights, as a well-trained ser- 
vayit ivould do. Enter Mrs. Tomkins, Dorothy, 
Dunning and Burbeck, the two ivomen doing 
their best to keep up a lively front for their 
guest's benefit and Dunnbig looking as though 
their artificiality palled on him as it had never 
done before.] 



52 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What is it, Henry, a charade or a riddle? [She drops 
languidly into a chai7\'] 

Tomkins: 
A problem — a very serious problem. 

[Dorothy has been glancing nervoiisly at 
Mehitabel ivho, taking the hint, starts to go.] 

Tomkins: 
Mehitabel, you will at least remain in the room and hear 
what I have to say? 

Mehitabel : 
Very well, sir. 

[She takes an inconspicuous station back. Dun- 
ning looks at her curiously. It is evident that 
his supicions are a7^oused.'] 

Dorothy : 
It must be serious, Father, to warrant this formal gath- 
ering of the household. 

Tomkins : 
Looking at it from your point of view, I can't conceive 
of a more crushing blow that could befall you. My 
death would be a trifle in comparison to it. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Rising pale and tre^nbling] You haven't failed in busi- 
ness, Henry? 

Tomkins: 
Precisely that. 

[Mrs. Tomkins falls back into her chair ivith a 
faint shriek.'] 



ACT II ' 53 

Dorothy : 



Father ! 



Mrs. Tom kins: 
[Sobbing into her hands] Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What 
have we done to deserve this ? 

Dorothy : 
Is — everything — gone ? 

TOMKINS: 

Every dollar. 

BURBECK : 

I've got five hundred in the bank, you know, Dad. 

TOMKINS : 
It was in the wrong bank, Burbeck. 

BURBECK : 
Is mine gone, too? 

TOMKINS : 
I'm afraid it is. 

Burbeck : 
I don't care. I'm glad of it. I want to be busted if 
you are. 

Dunning: 
Boy, you're a trump ! 

Mrs. Tom kins: 
It's all very well for innocent children to talk about want- 
ing to be penniless, but older people know what it means. 

Dunning : 
Try not to be unnerved, Mrs. Tomkins. There may be a 



54 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

remedy that your husband cannot foresee at this time. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Sobbing ] Oh, I hope so ! I sincerely hope so ! 

Dunning : 

[Approaching Dorothy and talking in low tones] For 
your father's sake as well as for your mother's sake, you 
must be brave, Dorothy. 

Dorothy : 
IBitterly] Brave? How can I be brave? 

Dunning : 
[For her ear 07ily] You know I have money ? 

Dorothy : 
You mean that you would save me? 

Dunning: 
I — I mean that I will do anything in my power for your 
father. 

Dorothy : 
Oh, Donald ! 

[Bursting into tears, she falls into his arms, to 
his surprise and embarrassment. Gently, but 
with as much expedition as possible, he leads 
her to a chair, ivhere he deposits her to weep 
softly to her heart's content.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I simply can't stay here and face it. 

Dorothy : 
Think of receiving the condolences of that horrid little 
Mrs. Gammon ! 



ACT II 55 

TOMKINS: 

You have heard the worst of it. When you are calmer, 
I have something more to say. 

Dorothy : 
Go on, Father, 

TOMKINS: 

Your mother has a small patrimony of her own. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 

[Grasping at stratus] Was that saved? 

Tomkins: 
[Nodding] Of course, it isn't large, but it will insure 
you and Dorothy against starvation, if you go to a place 
where you can live simply. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
How or where can we live simply enough to get along on 
eighteen hundred a year? 

Tomkins: 
That is for you and Dorothy to decide, but it must be 
done. This small income and my life insurance of 
$100,000 are all that are left to you. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What good is life insurance? You have to die to get 
that, don't you? 

Tomkins : 
Unfortunately, yes. 

[Mehitahel, ivho has been standing motionless 
all this time, catches her breath and shoots a 
quick glance at her uncle. Dunning, also, re- 
gards him keenly.] 



56 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
Don't talk that way, Dad ! 

Tom kins: 
We must look at a question like this from all sides, Bur- 
beck. 

BURBECK : 
[Moistly] Call me "Beckie". 

Dorothy : 
[Brightening] I have it! Mother and I will start for 
Europe immediately! 

Mrs. Tom kins: 
[Reviving] Europe! Could we do it? • 

Dorothy : 
Of course we can do it. One can live respectably on 
next to nothing in Italy. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
But how about two? 

Dorothy : 
Or two, either. The house will have to be closed any- 
way, won't it, Father? 

[Tomki7is nods.] 

Dorothy : 
Very well, then! You and Burbeck can stay in New 
York and keep bachelors' quarters until you get on your 
feet again, as I'm sure yo uwiil in a short time. [She 
glances fondly at Dunning.] In that way, Mother and I 
won't be a burden to you and life won't be a burden 
to us. 



ACT II 57 

TOMKINS: 



Do as you think best. 



Mrs. Tomkins: 
The thought of Europe is like a tonic to me. There is so 
much culture and refinement abroad, don't you think so, 
Mr. Dunning? 

Dunning: 
llndifferently'] Oh, yes. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
One doesn't hear people talking about business, business, 
business, all the time. And the men are so courteous, so 
thoughtful, so romantic. Dear, dear! I am quite ex- 
cited already. My dear Mother always did say I threw 
off misfortune more bravely than anyone she knew. 

Dorothy : 
To-morrow is a sailing day. Can we pack to-night? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
By all means ! Let's get as far away as possible before 
— [she shudders] — before the news of the failure is pub- 
lished. 

Dorothy : 
Then we haven't a minute to lose. Mother. You must 
start to pack at once and Donald and I will go to the 
telephone and see what can be done about arranging 
passage. I'm sure Florence Chalmers will postpone her 
trip a week and give us her reservation if we can't do 
any better. Come Donald ! 

[Her spirits now completely restored, she leads 
the sober Dunning away, Mrs. Torakins folloiu- 
ing. There is no ivord or thought for the un- 
happy husband and father.] 



58 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I wonder if we can ever get off without a maid ? 

Dorothy : 
We'll have to take much less luggage than usual. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
How much less? 

Dorothy : 
Three trunks will be as many as we can manage. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Three trunks ! Why, Dorothy, Midget ought to have ONE. 

[Exit Dorothy, Mrs. Tomkins and Dunning. 
Tomkins, crushed by the heartless7iess of his 
wife and daughter, remains in the same posi- 
tion, Mehitabel and Burbeck toward him 
simultaneously.] 

Burbeck : 
Don't you care. Dad. We'll have a high old time when 
they're gone. 

Tomkins: 

I — want — to be — alone now. 

[Reluctantly, Burbeck and Mehitabel move 
toivard the door. Tomkins ivatches them until 
Burbeck has made his exit, then faces about and 
walks to2vard the fireplace, supposing himself 
alone. At the door, however, Mehitabel pauses, 
her left hand on the outer knob. Her feminine 
instinct tells her that it is not wise to leave 
her uncle to himself while he is in his present 
mood. Standing motionless, she watches him 
as he goes to the wall cabinet and pours him- 



ACT II 59 

self a drink from a decanter. He returns to the 
fire tvith the expression, the manner and the 
laggijig motions of a man ivho has had the heart 
taken out of him completely, "Why not do it 
7101V?" is the thought that is iterating and re- 
iterating itself in his fevered brain. As though 
slowly coming to a decision, he goes back to the 
cabinet, takes out the revolver and looks at it. 
On the instant, Mehitabel, loithout making the 
slightest sound, darts into the hall, draws the 
door quickly but silently to behind her and raps 
sharply. Tomkins hitrriedly replaces the re- 
volver, closes the cabinet noiselessly and steals 
over to the chair in front of the fire. Another 
knock at the door more insistent than the 
first.] 

Tomkins: 

\_When he is seated] Come in! 

[Enter Mehitabel. She goes straight to her 
uncle aiul, seating her'self on the floor m front 
of him, folds her arms on his knees.] 

Mehitabel : 
I'm lonely in this big house, Uncle Henry. Won't you 
let me stay here with you ? 

[Tomkins places one hand on her head and 
gazes at her like a man who is just emerging 
from a bad dream.] 

Tomkins: 
Sarah's face ! Dear little Sarah ! She wasn't that kind. 
She used to mother me and sympathize with me and 
cater to me. 



60 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

Mehitabel : 
And she still loves to tell stories about the days when you 
were children together on the old farm across the creek 
from ours. 

TOMKINS : 
Could it be that I was a child once? 

Mehitabel : 
The worst one and the most lovable one that ever lived. 
That's what Mother says. That is, the most lovable bOy 
child. I was a girl baby, you know. 

Tom kins: 
No doubt you were. 

Mehitabel : 
But I think it has always been a disappointment to Mother 
that she couldn't have had a boy just like you. She 
often looks at me sadly and says, "You have been a great 
comfort to me, Mehitabel, but Henry was so cute and SO 
mischievous." 

TOMKINS : 
Do you think she cares anything about me after all these 
years of neglect? 

Mehitabel : 
I'll tell you a secret. It was Mother who was responsible 
for my inviting myself to your house. I thought it was 
cheeky, but she said she knew you would be glad to 
see me. 

TOMKINS: 
Your mother was always a guardian angel to me. A fine 
return I have made to her! 



ACT II 61 

Me HIT ABEL : 
She doesn't feel that way about it at all. She thinks 
you're splendid. Why, she is continually talking about 
you and praising you. "I knew Henry would succeed," 
she said, "because he has the heart of a woman and the 
courage of a lion." 

TOMKINS: 

Courage ? 

Mehitabel : 
Those are her very words. She says that as a boy, you 
were never known to acknowledge yourself beaten — at 
anything. 

[Tomkins stirs uneasily. Mehitabel sits silent 
for a moment luatching the effect of her words.} 

Mehitabel : 
Uncle Henry, will you let me stay here and take care of 
you and Burbeck while Aunt Martha and Dorothy are 
in Europe? 



Tomkins 



Let you 



Mehitabel : 
Then it's settled. I'm going to begin right away. I know 
what you need this minute. You need refreshments. 

[All of a sparkle 7ioiv, she goes to the cabinet 
and takes out the decanter and a glass, appear- 
ing not to notice the revolver. Tomkins rises to 
tuatch her.'] 

Mehitabel : 
Ah ! Here are some cigars, too. Colorado Clara. And 



62 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

a fine picture of her on the box. What a pretty girl 
she is ! 

[She places the things on the table. Tomkins 
following, takes a seat beside it.] 

MEHITABEL : 

[Pouring a glassful of whisky] There, Uncle Henry. 

[Tomkins has been looking critically at her, in- 
stead of at the whisky.] 

Tomkins: 
How did you know that decanter was there? 

MEHITABEL : 

Why — all men keep things like that in closets, don't 
they? 

Tomkins: 
Do they? 

MEHITABEL : 

Father keeps a bottle in the kitchen cupboard that he 
says is cough medicine, and anybody can see that you 
haven't any cough. 

Tomkins: 
[In much better spirits] Now honestly, Mehitabel, did 
you come in here because you were lonesome or because 
you knew I was lonesome? 

[He rasies the glass to his lips a7id is about to 
drink the contents ivhen he discovers the un- 
usual quantity.] 

MEHITABEL : 

Don't you see how much brighter I am already ? 



ACT II 63 

TOMKINS: 

{_Holding up the glass] Did you expect me to drink all 
that? 

Me HIT ABEL : 
Isn't that what it's for? 

TOMKINS : 
[Pouring back most of the luhisky] But in moderation. 

Me HIT ABEL : 
Pshaw! I should think you could have almost as much 
fun as that by taking a tablespoonful of Jamaica ginger. 

TOMKINS : 
There isn't much difference. The water please, Mehita- . 
bel. 

Mehitabel : 
Water? 

TOMKINS: 

You thought I took it raw, I suppose? 

Mehitabel : 
I catch on now. This is the stuff you eat in plum pud- 
ding and mince pies. It's brandy, isn't it? 

[She begins to laugh and Tomkins laughs, too.] 

Mehitabel : 
It isn't meant to drink any more that vanilla, and here 
I am serving it up to you out of the bottle. [She pours 
back the rest of the ivhisky, corks the decanter and takes 
it to the closet.] Never mind! I'll cook you some to- 
morrow. 



64 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

[Tomkins, tvho has almost forgotten his mis- 
fortune by this time, bites off the end of a cigar 
and is fumbling for a match ivhen Mehitabel 
strikes one for him on the box.'] 

Mehitabel: 
You see I'm awfully green, Uncle Henry. 

Tomkins: 
That's the reason you're so restful, Mehitabel. I feel 
ten years younger than I did when you came in. 

Mehitabel : 
Then I'm glad I came, and I'm glad I'm green, too. 

Tomkins: 
Mehitabel. 

Mehitabel : 
Yes, Uncle Henry? 

Tomkins: 
I can't accept your offer to stay here and take care of 
Burbeck and me. 

Mehitabel : 
Of course, if you would rather not — 

Tomkins: 
It isn't that! Lord knows I'd rather have you than a 
pair of blonde angels from heaven with wings six feet 
long. 

Mehitabel: 
Why not let me stay, then ? 

Tomkins: 
It would interfere with your domestic science course for 



ACT II 65 

one thing. 

* Mehitabel : 

I see. You think I am in need of finishing. 

TOMKINS : 
Not at all! Not at all! But you want your diploma, 
don't you? 

Mehitabel : 
I can't saj?" that I do. It was the skill I was after, not 
the certificate. Unless Father should lose his money, I 
v/ould never teach, I have other ambitions. 

TOMKINS: 

So? 

Mehitabel : 
Yes. I have the ambition to do more for my parents ; to 
make them more comfortable in their declining years; 
to smooth out all the little wrinkles that are so annoying 
in household routine and — and — to marry sometime, 
Uncle Henry, and have a home and children of my own. 

TOMKINS : 
I thought that kind of women went out of fashion with 
hoop skirts. 

Mehitabel : 
Now that you know my views, do you still insist on send- 
ing me away? 

TOMKINS: 

That isn't the real reason. You know your mother and 
I haven't seen much of each other since my marriage. 
You understand why, don't you ? 



66 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mehitabel : 
That was why I hesitated about pouncing down on you 
this way. 

TOMKINS: 

And see what you got ! What would Sarah think of me 
if I were to appropriate her daughter now that I am in 
hard luck, when we hardly ever even exchanged letters 
in my days of prosperity? 

Mehitabel : 
I know what she would think of ME if I failed to do what 
I could to help her brother when he was in trouble. No, 
Uncle Henry, I intend to be quite selfish about this. As 
an unprotected country girl in a large city, I demand 
that you share your last crust with me, and if you refuse 
to do it, I shall write Mother that you have become a 
mean, miserly man. 

[Tomkins is greatly touched. He walks to the 
fireplace and throws aivay his cigar before trust- 
ing himself to answer.} 

Tomkins: 
Then you'll have to let me tell Dunning. 

Mehitabel : 
Gracious! I never thought of him. But you mustn't 
say anything to him yet. Perhaps — perhaps we won't 
see so much of him after Dorothy goes. Anyway, it's 
time you were in bed. I want to sit here and think. 
Good night, Uncle Henry. Try to get a good rest. 

[She bustles him toivard the door, Tomkins sub- 
mitting meekly.'] 



ACT II 67 

TOMKINS: 

It's nice to be bossed, Mehitabel — when the boss knows 
her job. 

Mehitabel : 
Sleep tight, Uncle Henry. 

TOMKINS: 
I might have slept tighter if I had drunk that — that ex- 
tract you gave me. Good night, Mehitabel. 

[Exit Tomkins.] 

Mehitabel : 
[Calling after him] Good night. 

[She closes the door, turns off the lights and tip- 
toes to the cabinet. The decanter she examines 
seriously as one ivho should say, "I certainly saw 
him drink that". Then she takes up the re- 
volver, very much as she might lift a mouse by 
the tail and, closing the cabinet door, carries 
the lueapon to the big chair in front of the fire. 
Timidly she surveys it from all points of vieiv. 
It is evident that she ivants to remove the bul- 
lets but doesn't know hoio to go about it. She 
tries to poke them out loith a hairpin. Failing 
hi that she makes another study of the pistol 
and finally succeeds in breaking it. The car- 
tridges drop out on the chair and she looks at 
them with a shudder. Enter Mrs. Tomkins. 
She is proceeding cautiously, her eyes unaccus- 
tomed to the gloom. When she bumps into a 
chair, Mehitabel hears her and rises suddenly, 
her back to the fire and the revolver held behind 
her. Mrs. Tomkins gives a little scream of 
fright.] 



68 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mehitabel : 
I didn't mean to frighten you, Aunt Martha. 

[Upon discovering Mehitabel, Mrs. Tomkins be- 
comes more embarassed than she ivas fright- 
ened.'] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I hope you won't blame us for that unfortunate predica- 
ment this evening, Mehitabel. 

Mehitabel : 
I require no apologies. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You can understand how it might have affected Dorothy's 
happiness? I'm sure we both appreciated your good 
sense and tact. 

Mehitabel : 
You didn't come here to tell me this, Aunt Martha. Is 
there anything I can do for you ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Oh, no, thank you ! I had about finished packing and I 
thought — to tell you the truth, my dear, I came to get 
that life insurance policy. Henry is so careless about 
such things. 

[The withering scorn in Mehitabel's eyes makes 
her aunt quail] 

Mehitabel : 
I'm going to make it a point to keep Uncle Henry alive 
and well until you and Dorothy get back from Europe. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
You're going to stay? 



ACT II 69 

Mehitabel : 
I never run away from a signal of distress, Aunt Martha. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Tearfully] I know what you're thinking. You're 
thinking that I'm a mean, selfish woman. I'll stay at 
home if you think I ought to. 

Mehitabel : 
It's too late now and — under the circumstances, I think 
it is better that you should go. But leave the policy here. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Perhaps you're right. I'm sure I don't want to be self- 
centered and thoughtless, as poor, dear Henry so often is. 

Mehitabel : 
Will you allow me to get breakfast in the morning? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I'm ashamed to have you do it. 

Mehitabel : 
I'm proud that I am able to do it. What time, Aunt 
Martha? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
We usually have it about eight o'clock. I hope you found 
your room comfortable, Mehitabel ? 

Mehitabel : 
Very. Did Cousin Dorothy succeed in getting reserva- 
tions ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
We sail at eleven twenty on the Teuton. Dear Old 
Europe ! 



70 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

Mehitabel : 
If you have any packing to do, I should think you had 
better be about it. It is nearly eleven o'clock now. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Most of it is done and when Dorothy comes up, we'll 
finish it in a hurry. \_Moves toward door'] Good night, 
my dear. Thank you again for being so sweet and sen- 
sible. 

Mehitabel : 
Good night. 

[Exit Mrs. Tomkins. Mehitabel looks about 
for a suitable place to hide the revolver. Her 
eye falls on the case at the end of the mantel 
neai^est the ivoodbox. Climbing up on the box, 
she reaches as far down into the vase as she can 
and, luith a sigh of relief, drops the pistol. Her 
next thought is of the cartridges which she has 
left on the chair. She is gathering them up 
when Dunning appears at the door.] 

Dunning : 
[Calling softly] Mr. Tomkins! [He enters and ad- 
vances a few steps.] Mr. Tomkins ! 

Mehitabel : 
[Straightening up] Mr. Tomkins has retired, sir. 

[She holds the cartridges clasped in her right 
hand. Dunning seems glad of the opportunity 
to talk to her alone. He comes into the circle 
of the firelight. Mehitabel backs toiuard the 
hearth and, keeping her eyes steadily on him, 
throws the cartridges tvith a backivard motion 
into the fire, which is not burning very brightly 
no2v.] 



ACT II 71 

Dunning: 
Won't you please tell me your name ? 

Mehitabel : 
Mehitabel. 

Dunning: 
I can't call you Mehitabel. You are not a servant. 

Mehitabel : 

Who told you that? 

Dunning : 

My intelligence. 

Mehitabel : 
[Relieved'] Oh ! Is that all ? [She sits doivn.] 

Dunning : 
[Seating himself near her] You don't seem to place a 
high value on my intelligence, Miss Mehitabel. 

Mehitabel : 
It isn't proper for you to call me "Miss". 

Dunning: 

And since you insist that you are a servant, it wasn't 
proper for you to sit down before I did, was it ? 

Mehitabel : 
Oh, excuse me, sir ! 

[She starts to rise, but Dunning restrains her.] 

Dunning: 
Please don't, Miss — Miss — 



72 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mehitabel : 
Mehitabel. You see, sir, I am a servant who has had 
college training. 

Dunning: 
What? 

Mehitabel : 
The day of the crude, bungling, ungrammatical kitchen 
lout is past. First-class servants nowadays are trained 
as carefully as lawyers or doctors. 

Dunning : 
That's a new one on me. 

Mehitabel : 
Why not? Housework is an art and a science, as well 
as a profession any woman may be proud of. 

Dunning: 
Until I saw you and ate that dinner, I had never attached 
any great importance or dignity to domestic science. 
You are converting me. 

Mehitabel : 
I take as much pride in my ability to cook and keep a 
household running smoothly as you take in writing 
books. 

Dunning: 
Who told you I wrote books? 

Mehitabel : 
I have seen your photographs in the magazines and I 
have read "The Girl of the Golf Links". 

Dunning: 
Did you like it? 



ACT II 73 

Merit ABEL : 
No. 

Dunning: 
Why, may I ask ? 

Mehitabel : 
It impressed me as being the work of a man who had 
seen only one phase of life and not very deeply into that. 

Dunning: 
By George ! You're a bit of a critic, as well as a cook. 

Mehitabel : 
[Remembering her role] I hope you'll pardon me, sir, 
but you asked my opinion. 

Dunning : 

A franker one I never got and, between you and me, I 
never got a better one. What you said is the truth. It 
has dawned on me very recently. My idol was made 
of clay. 

Mehitabel : 
I hope I haven't said anything to hurt you. One couldn't 
help admiring your work. It was simply that the 
materials you worked with did not appeal to me. And, 
oh, Mr. Dunning, if I may be permitted the liberty of 
saying so, I did admire you to-night for the way you 
stood by Miss Dorothy when you saw she was in trouble. 

Dunning : 
Did you admire Miss Dorothy for the way in which she 
faced that trouble ? 

Mehitabel : 
Miss Dorothy has been trained to be a rich man's daugh- 
ter. She should not be judged by other standards. 



74 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning: 
What is to become of Mr. Tomkins, Mehitabel ? 



MEHITABEL : 

I shall do my best to take care of him and Mr. Burbeck 
while Mrs. Tomkins and Miss Dorothy are in Europe. 

Dunning: 
You are a noble girl, whoever you are. [_He leans for- 
ivavd and pokes the embers together, causing the fire to 
burn more brightly.] I want you to help me help Mr. 
Tomkins. 

Mehitabel : 
Have you a plan? 

Dunning: 
Unfortunately, I haven't anything but money. 

Mehitabel : 
Are you willing to lend Mr. Tomkins money? 

Dunning : 
Most assuredly I am. The difficulty is to persuade him 
to take it. He's awfully persnickety about such things. 

Mehitabel : 
[Her admiration grotving] You are worthy of — of — 
any woman. 

Dunning: 
[Rising] I must ask you to remember that. If you see 
an opportunity for me to be of service to Mr. Tomkins 
without appearing to be of service, let me know immedi- 
ately. You can reach me by telephone at any time. I 
shall be cooking up schemes, too, of course, and, be- 
tween us — 



ACT II 75 

[One of the cartridges in the fire explodes with 
a terrific bang. Mehitabel springs between 
Du7ining and the hearth.^ 

Mehitabel : 
You are not hurt? 

Dunning: 
Hurt? No, but what was that? 

[Another report, accompanied by a splintering 
sound in the direction of the bookcase, luhere 
the head of the statesman's bust has been shot 
to pieces. Then three more explosions, almost 
together. Loud shrieks echo through the house. 
Mehitabel tvinces at each new explosion, try- 
ing to push Dunning away from the fire, but she 
bravely holds her position in front of him. 
Dorothy's voice is heard in a loud ivail from 
downstairs.] 

Dorothy's voice: 
Don-aid ! 

Dunning: 

You were shielding me from something in that fire. 

Mehitabel : 
Did you count them? 

Dunning: 
There were five explosions. 

Mehitabel : 
[Heaving a sigh] I think that's all. 

Dunning: 
What was it you threw in there when I came in ? 



/ 



76 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Mehitabel : 
Only some — some — gimcracks. 

[Enter Dorothy, folloiued by the hysterical Mrs. 
Tomkins, clad in a dressing sack and silk petti- 
coat, her scimpy hair flying loose. Close be- 
hind comes Burbeck in bare feet and pajamas. 
His hair is rumpled and he is rubbing his eyes as 
though not entirely awake yet.} 

Dorothy : 
Donald ! Donald ! Donald ! 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! What has happened? 

Burbeck : 
Gimme a club or somethin' ! 

Dunning: 
[Holding out both hands to ward off Dorothy's onslaught] 
There is nothing to be alarmed about. No one has been 
injured. Please don't scream that way, Mrs. Tomkins. 

[Enter Tomkins in dressing goivn and slippers. 
He switches on the lights.] 

Tomkins: 
What's all this commotion? 

Mehitabel : 
Only the fire crackling. Uncle Henry. 

Dorothy : 
No fire ever crackled like that. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
It was pistols, I tell you I 



ACT II 77 

BURBECK : 
Sounded like a Gatling gun to me. 

Dunning : 
I dare say some explosive substance may have gotten into 
the fire by accident. 

Mehitabel : 
Oh, no ! Hickory always does that. 

Dorothy : 
Whoever heard such nonsense ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I know the house has been robbed! I just know it! 

Dorothy : 
Why doesn't somebody telephone for the police? 

Dunning: 
Because there is no occasion. 

BURBECK : 

[Yawning] .If Cousin Mehitabel says it was the wood, 
that settles it. I'm going back to bed. 

[Exit Burbeck.l 

Dunning: 
Cousin Mehitabel ! 

[He looks at Dorothy, ivho hangs her head in 
shame, and at Mehitabel, ivho avoids his glance. 
Tomkins has been conducting a hurried survey 
of the room. He spies the broken bust, strides 
rapidly to the cabinet, finds that the revolver is 
gone and approaches Mehitabel anxiously as 
Dunning finishes his speech.] 



78 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 

You're sure you are not hurt? 

MEHITABEL : 

Not in the least. 

TOMKINS: 

Thank God ! [He embraces and kisses her.'] I promise 
you, Mehitabel, that I shall never be tempted to use 
hickory again. 

[Curtain.'} 



ACT in 79 

ACT III 

Time: — The folloiuing March. About 5:30 in 
the evening. 

Scene: — Kitchen of Tomkins' apartme^it on 
Washington Heights. The construction conveys 
the impression of smallness and compact- 
pactness. In comparison ivith the spacious 
magnificence of the Riverside Drive ma)ision, 
it seems very humble, but it is a model 
kitchen for all that. The floor is covered 
loith the spacious magnificence of the Riverside 
Drive mansion, it seems very humble, but it is a 
model kitchen for all that. The floor is covered 
with dark linoleum in imitation of tiling and the 
ivhite glazed wall paper is of a similar pattern. 
At right front is a large gas range, with oven 
thermometer, a funnel above for carrying off 
fumes of the cooking and every other con- 
trivance that the latest and best gas range can 
boast. Close back of the rayige is a porcelain 
sink and a draining surface. Some spotless 
dish totuels hang above it and on the ivall above 
them is a clock for the convenience of the cook. 
Beneath the sink is a metal bucket, equipped 
with a lid that stvings on a hinge and opens at a 
touch of the foot. A kitchen cabinet of ornate 
design, with mirrors set into the doors, stands 
behind the sink, and about equi-distant from 
range, sink and cabinet, near center, is a bright- 
ly-scoured kitchen table, with tivo or three books 
on it, and a comfortable rocking chair at the side 
nearest the stove. It is evident that the presid- 
ing genius here knows hoiv to put in her spare 
moments to advantage. At right back, a door 
communicates luith a small pantry. To the left 
of the door at back is the ice box and to the left 
of that again, a loiu stand holding a fireless 



THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

cooker. An apron hangs on a hook hack of a 
S2ui7igi7ig door at I eft center, communicating 
ivith the dining room. This door is the only en- 
trance. There is one ivindow at hack and one 
at right. Two or three plain ivooden chairs of 
kitchen pattern and a high stool at the cabinet 
complete the furnishing of the room. As the 
curtain rises, Burheck is heard whistling and 
his back is seen through the open pantry door. 
He reaches for something that puts an end to 
his tune, as Mehitabel enter's from the dining 
roo7n, humming softly. She is dressed in a 
dainty afternoon goivn — maid no more, hut evi- 
dently very much the inistress of the situation. 
She takes the apron frorn the hook and is ad- 
justing it as Burbeck enters from the pantry, 
eating a ivedge of pie. 



Yum, yum, yum ! 



Don't make crumbs. 



Burbeck : 



Mehitabel : 



[She crosses to the ice box and takes out a plate- 
ful of squabs, ready for the oven. Burbeck 
holds his open palm under the pie and looks 
around him on the floor anxiously.'] 

Burbeck : 
Say, if I thought I'd wasted a crumb of this pie, I'd never 
forgive myself. 

[Mehitabel, laughing, crosses ivith birds to 
cabinet, opens it, disclosing its wonderfully com- 
plete contents, puts dotvn the plate, seats her- 
self on the stool and prepares for business, as 
Burbeck drops doivn contentedly in the rocking 



ACT HI 81 

chair beside the table.l 

Mehitabel : 
Didn't I hear you mention my name on the telephone a 
few minutes ago, Burbeck ? 

BURBECK : 
You know I told you to call me Bill ! 

Mehitabel : 
I beg your pardon, Bill. Who was it that telephoned? 

Burbeck: 
Dad. He said to tell you Dunning v/ould be here to din- 
ner. Seems to me we ought to be getting meal tickets 
printed for him. 

Mehitabel : 
Oh, what an inhospitable boy! You know that your 
father and Mr. Dunning have had a great deal of busi- 
ness together lately. [She gets out a paper bag and 
greases it with a brush.'] 

Burbeck : 
Is Dad going to get rich again? 

Mehitabel : 
Looks that way. [She puts the squabs into the bag and 
closes it ivith clips.'] 

Burbeck : 
I like pie better than style. 

Mehitabel : 
We HAVE been a happy little family in spite of the hard 
luck, haven't we. Bill? 



82 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
[On the verge of tears'] The hard luck is going to come 
when we move back to Riverside Drive and get a paid 
cook. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Taking the hag to the range and stooping to examine 
the thermometer'] We wont cross bridges until we 
come to them. I haven't gone yet. \_She turns the 
handle governing the oven thermometer ever so slightly 
to 'bring the temperature to the exact degree required, 
and glances at the clock. Then, putting in the squabs, 
she takes out a pie and sets it on the table.] 

MEHITABEL : 

There, Bill, it may cheer you to carry that to the pantry. 

[Upon discovering the neiv pie, Burbeck starts 
to cram the last feiv bites of the piece he holds 
into his mouth.] 

MEHITABEL : 

But you're not to cut it until to-morrow, mind. 

[His mouth stuffed full, the boy gazes ruefully 
at the surviving crumb in his hand.] 

Burbeck : 
That's what comes of jumping at conclusions. 

[Mehitabel, humming again, returns to the cabi- 
not for the empty plate, ivashes and dries it at 
the sink and returns it to its proj^yer place in the 
cabinet. Burbeck tries to pick up the pie, but 
finding it hot, he spreads one coattail over his 
left palm and deftly slides the pan on it. He 
gazes at it fondly and kisses his fingers to it as 
he starts for the pantry.] 



ACT III 83 

BURBECK : 
[Apostrophizing the pie} I'll see you later, pet, 

[The door hell rings.] 

BURBECK : 

There he is now, I bet. 

Me HIT ABEL : 

[All in a flutter, hut trying to appear innocent] Who? 
[She goes to the ice hox and returns to the cahinet luith 
a hoiul spinach arid a howl containing peeled potatoes,] 

BURBECK : 

Who do you suppose? [Still holding the pan, he pushes 
open the dining room door and shouts.] Come in ! The 
door isn't locked. 

[When he sees the neiocomer, his jaiu drops.] 

A MAN'S VOICE: 
Is Miss Lane in? 

Burbeck: 
She's right here. I beg your pardon for yelling at you, 
but I thought you were somebody else. 

The voice : 
That's all right, young man. I'm not offended. 

[Enter Tom Moore.] 

Moore : 
Hello, there, Mehitabel! 

[Mehitahel, ivhose face showed disappointment 
upon learning that the caller tuas not Dunning, 
is delighted to see Moore. She drops her work 



84 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

and dashes for him, taking him by both hands.} 

Mehitabel : 
Why Tom Moore ! What brings you to New York? 

Moore : 
My annual jaunt before the spring work opens. You 
know Two Corners has always regarded me as quite a 
gadder, 

Mehitabel : 
I just can't tell you how glad I am to see you. 

Moore : 
Your mother gave me your address and told me to be 
sure to look you up. 

Mehitabel : 
I'd have cut your acquaintance if you hadn't. Let me 
have your things. Mr. Moore, this is my cousin, Bur- 
beck Tomkins. 

[Burbeck, balancing the pie, contrives to shake 
hands as Mehitabel deposits Moore's hat and 
coat on a chair.'] 

Moore : 
Very glad to meet you, Burbeck. 

Burbeck : 
Call me Bill. I like names like Tom and Bill and Sam. 
They sound as if they belonged to fellows that were all 
there. 

Mehitabel : 
You might relieve yourself of that pie, Bill. 



ACT HI 85 

BURBECK : 

[To Moor el Excuse me. I'll be back. {_He takes the 
pie to the pantry and returns immediately.] 

Me HIT ABEL : 
Tell me about Mother and Father. How are they get- 
ting along with nobody but old Annie to look after them ? 

Moore : 
Everything is as serene as usual. Your house always 
did run along like an eight-day clock. 

Mehitabel : 
And is Mother real well ? She says so in her letters, but 
Mother is not always strictly truthful about her own 
health. 

Moore : 
She's well enough, I guess, but she's mighty lonesome 
without you. In fact we all are. Wherever you go 
nowadays it's, "Have you heard when Mehitabel's com- 
ing back?" 

Mehitabel : 
Dear old Two Corners ! 

Burbeck : 

Say, are you a farmer ? 



I am. 



On the level? 



I try to be. 



Moore : 



Burbeck : 



Moore : 



86 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
You don't look like the pictures of 'em I've seen. 

Moore : 
May I ask where you have seen the pictures of farmers? 

BURBECK : 

Oh, in Puck and Judge. 

[Mehitabel and Moore are highly amused.'] 

MEHITABEL : 

You see, Bill, Puck and Judge haven't room for all of us. 

BURBECK : 
[Mortified] Nix, nix, now ! I didn't mean that. I just 
thought they would be ind of like the pictures. [As 
Mf ore continues to laugh] You get me, don't you ? 

MoORE : 
Perfectly. 

Mehitabel : 
■ To Burbeck] It's time for you to go dress. 

[She takes him affectionately by the lapels and 
looks him over ivith a critical eye.] 

Burbeck : 
What's the verdict? 

Mehitabel : 
Your collar is soiled, your shirt isn't any TOO clean, and 
I think you ought to put on your gray suit. 

Burbeck : 
The prisoner never faltered. [Moves toivard door.] 



ACT in 87 

See you later, Mr. Moore. Did my laundry come, 
Mehitabel? 

Mehitabel : 
It's in your bureau drawer. 

BURBECK : 
You're the best valet I ever had. 

[Exit Burbeck.l 

Moore : 
He's a droll kid. 

MiEHITABEL I 

And he's just as good as he's funny. Sit down, Tom, and 
talk to me while I work. 

[She goes back to the cabinet and begins to cut 
small cubes of potatoes into a sauce pan, 
Moore seating himself in the rocker.'] 

Moore : 
We're used to kitchen visits, eh, Mehitabel? [He is at- 
tracted by the books.] 

Mehitabel : 
They're lots more fun than the parlor ordeals. 

Moore : 
[Reading titles'] "Food Values and Their Relations to 
Menus." 

Mehitabel : 
One of the books I studied at the Domestic Science School. 
You haven't found a wife yet, have you Tom? 



88 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Moore : 
[Still looking at the books] No, because I'm careful not 
to look for them. Never seemed to me that you needed 
much training in domestic science with a mother like 
yours. 

MEHITABEL : 

She's worth half a dozen colleges. Still, my course has 
been very helpful to me. There was one of my class- 
mates I thought would be the very girl for you, Tom, till 
I found out that her hair was colored like oleomargarine. 

Moore : 
Huh ! [Reading] "The Girl of the Golf Links." That 
'loesn't sound like a kitchen reference book. "By Donald 
Dunning." What are you blushing about, Mehitabel? 

MEHITABEL : 

I'm not blushing ! I know the author, that's all. He's a 
friend of Uncle Henry's. 

[Moore rises and approaches her in a half- 
playful, half-serious mood.] 

Moore : 
See here, now, little girl ! You know I've always been a 
big brother to you. Fess up, is there anything going on 
that a big brother ought to know about? 

[The girl's expression is strained. She is un- 
able to dissemble for his benefit.] 

Mehitabel : 
He is engaged to my Cousin Dorothy. 

[Moore puckers his mouth as though to whistle. 
Mehitabel makes a pretense of going on with 
her work.] 



ACT III 89 

Moore : 

Your cousin's in Europe, isn't she? 

Mehitabel : 
She has been in Italy with Aunt Martha for the last four 
months. 

Moore : 
And this Dunning, do you see him often ? 

Mehitabel : 
He is here nearly every day — on business. He has been 
the means of saving Uncle Henry from a business dis- 
aster. He's coming to-night. 



Do you like him ? 

Yes. 

Anything more? 

[Defiantly] No. 



Moore : 



Mehitabel : 



Moore : 



Mehitabel : 



Moore : 
Well, my hat's off to any man who can make love to you 
and get away with it, Mehitabel. You laughed all the 
romance out of me before I was in long trousers. 

Mehitabel : 
Somehow this isn't quite so funny. 

[Moore regards her anxiously as she turns luith 
a sigh, prepares the spinach and measures out 
ivater from the spigot into a third saucepan.'] 



90 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Moore : 
{Resuming his seat] There are times when the best 
thing a friend can do is to do nothing. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Going over to him and laying her hand on his shoulder] 
You ARE a friend, Tom — a good friend. I don't believe I 
could be fonder of my own brother if I had one. 

[The bell lings.} 

MEHITABEL : 
I — I think Mr. Dunning is coming now. 

[She crosses to ice box and is peering into it 
tuhen voices are heard in the dining room.] 

DuNNiNG's voice: 
Never mind, Bill, I'll go right out to the kitchen. 

[Enter Dunning. Moore rises, but Dunning 
has his back to him and does not see him.] 

MEHITABEL : 

How do you do, Mr. Dunning? 

Dunning : 
Never better. Miss Lane. You see I'm early — as usual. 
But I have a real excuse this time. 

MEHITABEL : 

You don't need one. 

Dunning: 
I wanted to tell you that the success of our little enter- 
prise is now assured. Within two or three days, Mr. 
Tomkins will be a richer man than he ever was in his 
life before. 



ACT III 91 

Me HIT ABEL : 



And you? 



Dunning : 
I'll get a good deal more than I need. 

Me HIT ABEL : 
You have earned all you will get. 

Dunning : 
I would willingly give it in exchange for something else 
I do not seem — 

Mehitabel : 
Mr. Dunning, I want to introduce my neighbor and life- 
long friend, Mr. Thomas Moore. 

[Dunning whirls as Moore takes a step for- 
ward. Their survey of each other is searching. 
Moore is the first to extend his hand.} 

Moore : 
Glad to meet you, Mr. Dunning. 

Dunning : 

[Taking the hand and forcing a smile] Two Corners is 
acquiring a large representation in New York. 

BuRBECK's voice : 
Mehitabel! Oh, Mehitabel! 

[Mehitabel crosses to dining room door."] 

Moore : 
Not an unwelcome one, I hope ? 

Dunning: 
Quite to the contrary. 



92 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Me HIT ABEL : 
[Pushing open the door] What is it Bill? 

BuRBECK's voice: 
Where are my other sleeve links ? 

MEHITABEL : 

In the little box on your bureau. 

Moore : 
Sleeve links, as I recall it, is city dialect for cuff buttons? 

Dunning: 
You are quick at our vernacular, Mr. Moore. 

Moore : 
Part of my Princeton training, you see. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Returning to the men] I feel just like a real city cook 
entertaining the policemen. 

Dunning: 
I always did envy policemen. 

MEHITABEL : 

Well, let me tell you, officers, I'm a very busy girl, and if 
you insist upon staying in the kitchen, I shall put you 
both to work. 

Moore : 
You know what a handy man I am, Mehitabel. 

Dunning: 
As an assistant cook, I yield the palm to no living mortal. 

Mehitabel : 
Then, Mr. Dunning, you may go to the ice box and bring 



ACT III 93 

the materials for the salad to this table. I was about to 
get them when you came in and interrupted me. Tom, 
you may light a burner for me. 

Dunning: 
Ice box ? Ice box ? 

Mehitabel : 
There. 

Dunning: 
To be sure. 

Moore : 

\_At the range, match box in hancV] Have these gas 
stoves any cranky habits that a countryman ought to be 
warned about? 

Mehitabel : 
It won't bite you. [She crosses to cabinet to get the sauce 
pans.l 

Dunning : 

\_Who has been unable to identify the salad] Suppose I 
just bring you the ice box ? 

Mehitabel : 
The lettuce is pinned in a napkin. The sweetbreads and 
the dressing are in the two bowls beside it. 

Dunning: 
[Taking out the materials] So you're the salad! I 
never would have recognized you. 

[Moore has turned on one burner and is hold- 
ing a lighted match over another one. The 
whistling sound of escaping gas is heard.] 



94 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Moore : 
I thought gas was more inflammable than this. 

MEHITABEL : 

You're holding the match over the wrong burner. 

Moore : 
You'll be accusing me of blowing it out next. 

[His luords are followed by a puff and a flash.'] 

Dunning : 

No, up. 

MEHITABEL : 

lApp7'oaching with sauce pans] For mercy's sake ! Be 
careful, Tom! 

Moore : 
Stay away, Mehitabel ! Don't come near this thing. It's 
going to explode. 

MEHITABEL : 
[Setting pans on stove] Nonsense! You don't under- 
stand it, that's all. Give me the matches. 

Moore: 

You're taking an awful chance. 

MEHITABEL : 

Not the slightest. 

[She lights a burner and as it puffs, Moore 
jumps toivard her.] 

Moore : 
Didn't I tell you? 



ACT III 95 

Me HIT ABEL : 

It always does that, silly ! 

Dunning: 
Must be some hickory in that gas. 

[Mehitabel lights another burner, puts tivo of 
the pans in a sort of clovei^-leaf arrangeynent — 
one leaf of which remains vacant — on the first 
huryier, and a separate pan, containing hot 
ivater on the other one.'] 

Moore : 

[Watching her admiringly] Well, I'll be darned ! 

Mehitabel : 
No shirking, Mr. Dunning! That salad won't make 
itself , you know. 

Dunning : 
[Indicating the bowls] Do I pour these into the napkin? 

Mehitabel : 
The first thing you do is to wash your hands. 

Dunning : 
Great Scott ! Do they look as though they need it ? 

Mehitabel : 
We don't depend on looks in the kitchen. There is the 
hand towel. 

[Dunning goes obediently to the sink.] 

Moore : 
And be careful about your neck and ears. 

[While Dunning is dousing his hands under the 



96 THE SCIENCE OF MERIT ABEL 

spigot, Mehitabel crosses to dining room door 
and pushes it open sufficiently to reach a tray 
with plates, tvhich have been in waiting on the 
serving table.'] 

Mehitabel : 
The only reason you aren't ordered to the sink, too, witty 
sir, is that I don't mean to trust you with any of the 
serious work of getting dinner. 

Dunning: 
I'll wash 'em again with scouring soap for that if you 
want me to. 

Mehitabel : 
You may proceed with the salad. 

[Drying his hands, Dunning goes to the table 
again, assuming the confident manner of one 
who is expert in such matters. The others are 
tuatching him in critical amuseynent.] 

Dunning: 
Don't look. We chefs don't like to give away the secrets 
of our trade indiscriminately. 

[He picks up the napkin and pricks his finger 
sharply on the pin. With a sibilant intake of 
breath, he sticks the wounded digit to his lips. 
Mehitabel shows concern immediately.'] 

Mehitabel : 
Oh ! I'm so sorry? Did it make the blood come? 

[Dunning looks at Mehitabel, then at the fiyiger, 
then at Mehitabel again.] 



ACT III 97 

Dunning: 



I'm afraid not. 



[Quickly resuming his light manner, he pro- 
ceeds to loosen the napkin.] 

Dunning: 
Now we pass on to the next demonstration. [Fumbles 
ivith the pin.] What have we in this spotless, embroid- 
ered, hemstitched napkin? Patience, friends! I can't 
tell you until I find out myself. [G7'asps the end of the 
pin at last and throius it viciously at the sink.] Ah! 
[Spreads out the napkin.] Lettuce! 

[Enter Tomkins unobserved. Dunning has his 
back to him. Mehitabel is fairly devouring 
Dunning ivith her eyes and Moore, too, is ab- 
sorbed in the farce.] 

Dunning: 
Fine, crisp, dewy lettuce, fresh from the sun-kissed fields 
of — of — the hothouses. In the bowl to our right — follow 
me closely, please — in the bowl to our right — 

[Tomkins quietly joins the circle and the mock 
lecture comes to an abrupt end.] 

Dunning : 
Welcome to our cooking school, Mr. Tomkins. 

Mehitabel : 
Oh, Uncle Henry, Mr. Dunning was just making the 
loveliest salad ! [She observes Tomkins and Moore look- 
ing at each other curiously.] This is Mr. Thomas Moore, 
of Two Comers, Uncle Henry. You have heard me 
speak of him. 



98 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 
[Shaking hands luarmly] I know all about the Moores. 
Our families were great friends. 

[Mehitabel takes up the salad ivhere Dunning 
left off, Dunning hovering about her the while. 
They carry the completed work to the dining 
room, 'Wash and replace the howls, throtu the 
scraps of lettuce in the garbage bucket and are 
as busy as tivo bees.l 

Moore : 
[To Tomkinsl Both the Tomkinses and the Moores are 
traditions at Two Corners. 

[Enter Burbeck.'\ 

Tom KINS : 
Mehitabel tells me that the old Tomkins farm is now 
owned by a low-down — 

Mehitabel : 
Now, Uncle Henry! I didn't say that. 

Tomkins: 
You know what I mean? 

Moore : 
I know. We Scotch-Irish have no use for the Pennsyl- 
vania Dutch, because they have thrived on our failures. 

Tomkins: 
Something in that, too. Is the old place considered a 
good farm yet? 

Moore : 
With the proper care there wouldn't be a better one in the 
Cumberland Valley. 



ACT III 99 

TOMKINS: 
Dutchman want to sell it? 

Moore : 
I think not. 

TOMKINS: 

Humph! [Observes his son.] Hello, Bill! I hardly 
knew you with all your buttons on. 

BURBECK : 
Ward McAllister didn't have a whole lot on me, did he? 

Moore : 
[Taking up his hat and coaf] Having seen this dinner 
past the critical stage, I can now leave it with a clear con- 
science. 

Mehitabel : 
Why Ton! 

BURBECK : 

You're not going now? 

TOMKINS : 
[Taking Moore's hat and coat away from him] I'd like 
to see a Moore leave my house before dinner. Bill, put 
these on the hat rack . 

[He hands the coat and hat to Burbeck as the 
bell rings.] 

Burbeck : 
The mail man, I guess. It's about his time. 

[Exit Burbeck.] 



100 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 

[Taking Moore's arm} You and I will go in and talk 
farming. We'll leave Dunning here to gather local color, 
as he calls it. [Stage whisper to Moore] He writes. 
But he can afford it. 

[Exit Tomkins and Moore.] 

MEHITABEL : 

Now perhaps you would like to do some of the real cook- 
ing. Can you make a roux ? 

Dunning: 
A roux? How do you spell it? 

MEHITABEL : 

R, o, u, X. 

Dunning: 
No-o, I don't think I make my roux like that. 

MEHITABEL : 

You're a rank pretender. Observe ! 

[Having put into their proper places in the 
cabinet all the washed bowls except one, she 
now holds that one under the flour sifter and 
turns the crank. Taking a measuring cup and 
a tablespoon, she goes to the ice box, gets a 
spoonful of butter and mixes it thoroughly with 
the flour.'] 

MEHITABEL: 

This is a roux. 

Dunning: 
I know now ! • You're going to make a cake. 



ACT in 101 

Mehitabel : 
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's only a cream dress- 
ing for the potatoes. 

\_She measures out and mixes the required 
amount of milk.] 

Dunning: 
To think that I used to sympathize with the women who 
despise housework! I thought anything like this was 
mean, low, debasing. 

Mehitabel : 
[Crossing to cabinet with dressing] Only to those who 
make it so. Now for the cereal. 

[She wipes out the measuring cup and fills it 
from a box.] 

Dunning : 
Cereal! For dinner? 

Mehitabel : 
For breakfast. 

Dunning : 
Are we cooking to-morrow's breakfast, too. 

Mehitabel : 
Part of it. The housekeeper who doesn't get ahead of 
her work falls behind it. You may have observed that 
the greater part of this dinner was prepared in ad- 
vance ? 

[She crosses to stove, takes the potatoes, drains 
them at the sink, puts on the cream dressing 
and returns them to the burner.] 



102 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning : 
That's so. It's wonderful how easy things are for you. 

MEHITABEL : 

That's my science. 

Dunning : 
And it's better than any art. It's the one accomplish- 
ment no woman can afford to be without. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Going to the stove with the cereal and a spooTi] Be 
careful, sir! A novelist should not be too prosaic in his 
views. You are in danger of losing your romance. 

Dunning : 

[Drawing near her and speaking earyiestlyl I wish I 
could. 

[His tone and manner disturb Mehitabel.] 

Dunning: 
I see now why you have held me at arm's length all these 
months. I didn't know until to-day that there was — 
anyone else. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Thrusting a spoon into his hands'] Stir, please, while 
I pour. 

Dunning: 

[Stirring and stopping] For a while, I was idiot enough 
to think — 

MEHITABEL : 

Stir! 



ACT III 103 

Dunning: 
[Stirring] I thought you were distant to me on 
Dorothy's account. 

Me HIT ABEL : 

Isn't that reason enough? 

Dunning: 
No! You can't expect me to marry a girl I don't love 
just because she happens to be your cousin ! 

Mehitabel : 

[Shocked'] Mr. Dunning! 

Dunning : 
I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to speak that way. 
You have my good wishes, Miss Lane. He is evidently 
a fine man. 

Mehitabel : 
Oh, stir, stir! Won't you please stir? 

[Dunning obeys with such vehemence that the 
cereal slops over. It strikes the flames ivith a 
hiss and envelopes them in a cloud of steam, as 
Tomkins bursts in with a letter in his hand. He 
pauses, thinking there has been an accident.] 

Tomkins : 
What's happened? 

Mehitabel : 
Mr. Dunning is getting up steam for a new novel. 

Tomkins: 
[Gloomily] See here ! A letter from Dorothy. 

Mehitabel : 
No bad news, I hope Uncle Henry ? 



104 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 

Bad news! Good Lord, child! What made you think 
it was bad news ? They're coming home. 

[Dunning turns aside to hide a smile.'] 

MEHITABEL : 

Oh! 

[She goes on ivith her work, putting back the 
cup and spoon, after washing them and the boivl 
used for the potato dressing; preparing a can 
of peas and putting them in the third compart- 
ment of the clover-leaf iitensil; getting the 
coffee machine ready for the table, bringing a 
tray from the dining room — on the move every 
instarit.] 

TOMKINS : 
They say that Italy on eighteen hundred a year is like 
keeping a banana stand. 

Dunning: 
When are they coming? 

TOMKINS: 

They sail a week from next Thursday. 

MEHITABEL : 

I suppose I'd better be breaking in a maid for Aunt 
Martha. 

TOMKINS: 

Yes, break her to drive with a high check rein and no 
lines. 

MEHITABEL : 
Uncle Henry ! 



ACT III 105 

TOMKINS: 
[Smiting the table ivith his fist] Dunning, I'm just be- 
ginning to wake up. 

Dunning : 

You didn't look exactly sleepy before. 

TOMKINS : 
I've got a plan. It's come to me like a flash. I had a 
home once when I was a boy — a real home. 

Mehitabel : 
You had a beautiful one in New York, too, Uncle Henry. 

TOMKINS : 
I had a beautiful imitation. This is the only home I have 
known in New York, and it has spoiled me for the other 
kind, Mehitabel. It's my own fault, understand. I'm 
no t blam.ing anybody else. I've been a fool, that's all, 
and I've made up my mind to begin right, now that I 
have the chance. 

Dunning : 
How do you propose to begin? 

TOMKINS : 
I'm going to transplant my wife and daughter to more 
wholesome surroundings. They believe I'm poor. They 
must never know that I'm rich. You hear? Burbeck 
mustn't know. Nobody must know that my fortune has 
come back — nobody but you two, who helped me to re- 
gain it. 

Dunning : 
How are you going to keep the others from finding it out? 

TOMKINS : 
I'm going to buy the old Tomkins homestead at Two 



106 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Corners, no matter what it costs, and I'm going to make 
human beings of us all again, instead of battering rams 
to New York society. 

MEHITABEL : 

[Gleefully] Won't it be fine to have you at Two 
Corners? [Doubt fully] But will Aunt Martha and 
Dorothy like to live on a farm? 

TOMKINS: 

It'll be better than keeping a banana stand in Italy, 
won't it? 

[Enter Burbeck.] 

BURBECK : 
[Tragically'] Feed me, ere I perish, Mehitabel! 

MEHITABEL : 

I should think you had eaten enough pie to satisfy you 
for a while. 

BURBECK : 
That only excited me. When's dinner going to be ready ? 

MEHITABEL : 

When that clock points to six. 

BURBECK : 

[Wheedling] Say, Mehitabel! 

MEHITABEL : 

No more pie. 

BURBECK : 
I wasn't going to ask for pie. What are you going to 
have for dessert? 



ACT III 107 

TOMKINS: 
[To Dunning, indicating Burbeck with a jerk of his 
thumb] Is it any wonder I'm poor? 

Burbeck : 
But, Dad, you're getting rich again, aren't you. 

TOMKINS: 

Never again! 

Burbeck : 
Haven't you even got enough to buy that auto ? 

[jPor answer, Tomkins turns .his trousers 
pockets inside out. Burbeck regards them in 
dismay, but his face brightens quickly.] 

Burbeck : 
Well, I don't care about the auto, if we can be real poor 
and unstylish and keep Mehitabel. 

Mehitabel : 
That's a beautiful compliment, Bill, but I wish you would 
go back and entertain Mr, Moore. It isn't polite to for- 
get your guests. 

Burbeck : 
Bless his heart! I didn't forget him. I was just on a 
still hunt for some cheering news to give him. Six 
o'clock, then, on your word and honor as a gentleman ? 

Mehitabel : 
On my word and honor as a domestic scientist. 

Burbeck : 
I got you. 



108 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

[Exit Burbeck. Mehitabel takes the cereal 
from the stove to the fireless cooker. Dunning 
has been sober and preoccupied.^ 

ToMkins: 
[To Dunning] What's got into you all of a sudden ? You 
look as though you had a toothache. 

Dunning : 

My TEETH are all right. 

TOMKINS : 

What is it, then? Conscience, heart or liver? 

Mehitabel : 
It's probably the pangs of hunger. Uncle Henry, but the 
hand is almost at six. 

[She takes up the coffee machine and exits to 
dining room.] 

DUNNING : 
Mr. Tomkins, I love your niece. 

TOMKINS: 

Thunderation ! You must love the whole family? 

Dunning: 
You think I have been false to Dorothy, but there has 
been no word of love spoken between us. At one time I 
thought — we both may have thought — 

Tomkins : 
But you took it out in thinking? 

Dunning: 

Yes. 



ACT III 109 

TOMKINS: 

If that's all that's bothering you, I'll step into the front 
room. 

[He moves toivard door, but Dunning detains 
him.'] 

Dunning : 
It's no use. She's in love with Moore. 

TOMKINS: 
Did she tell you that? 

Dunning : 

She had no occasion to tell me what was perfectly 
obvious. 

TOMKINS : 
Well, what do you want iiE to do ? 

Dunning : 
I want you to know why I am sailing for Europe next 
Saturday, 

TOMKINS : 
Just when we're going to slice the melon ? 

Dunning : 

I think it is best. 

TOMKINS : 
Come to think about it you are in a devil of a fix. Maybe 
you're right. I'll see that your slice is put on ice for you. 
[He grips Dunning' s hand.] You saved me, Donald, — 
You and Mehitabel— and I don't like to see either of you 
unhappy. 



n 



110 THE SCIENCE OF ME HIT ABEL 

[Enter Mehitabel laughing, platter and vege- 
table dishes rn her hands. The two men sepa- 
rate. Mehitabel carries the dishes to the stove 
and puts them in the oven.l 

TOMKINS: 

Is there anything funny about us? 

Mehitabel : 
I was laughing at the foolishness of those two in 
there. Burbeck wanted to know why farmers always 
chew hay and Tom said they had to do it to test the crop. 
[She begins to serve the dinner.'] When we get you city 
greenhorns at Two Corners, Mr. Dunning, we shall cer- 
tainly have our revenge. 

Dunning: 
It's a shame to deprive you of even a portion of it. Miss 
Lane, but as for me, I'm afraid I shall not see Two Cor- 
ners. 

[Mehitabel pauses and looks at him in surprise. 
The laughter has gone from her face.] 

Dunning: 
I forgot to tell you that I sail for Europe Saturday morn- 
ing for an indefinite stay. 

[Tomkins has been watching his niece keenly 
and his expression shows that he divines the 
true state of affairs.] 

Tomkins : 
Can't we carry in some of those things for you Mehitabel? 

Mehitabel : 
If you will. 



ACT III 111 

[The squabs, now beautifully broumed, are ar- 
ranged on the platter and Mehitabel throius the 
paper bag into the garbage can. As she turns 
her back, something very like a sob escapes 
her.] 

TOMKINS : 
[Picking up the platter] I'll take these. 

[The sound from Mehitabel catches his ear. 
He loinks sagely, but the expression of cun- 
niyig melts into one of sensuous gratification 
as the aroma from the birds strikes his nose. 
Exit Tomkins sniffing. Mehitabel returns to 
stove and turns out the potatoes, spinach and 
peas, shutting off the gas as she does so. Enter 
Burbeck with a rush.] 

BURBECK : 
Hurray ! Hurray ! The first birds of spring have come 
at last. Let me carry something. 

[He places all the remaining dishes on the tray, 
while Mehitabel, not entering into his mood, 
turns away, carrying the empty sauce pans to 
the sink.] 

Burbeck : 
Wish I knew how much room to save for dessert. 

[Gazing longingly toivard the ice box, Burbeck 
exits ivith tray.] 

Mehitabel : 
I'm sorry you're going away. Somehow I — I hadn't 
thought of not seeing you any more. 



112 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning: 
Is it possible that I am mistaken? Mehitabel, are you 
engaged to Mr. Moore? 

[The girl realizes that if she says "no", Dun- 
ning ivill renew his suit and perhaps break doiun 
her resolution. On the other hand, her 
love for him and her natural regard 
for the truth cry out against the thought 
of lying to him, even ivith so noble a purpose in 
view. She answers after a struggle and tvithout 
looking at him.'] 

Mehitabel : 
Yes. 

[Dunning turns and exits. Involuntarily, Me- 
hitabel takes a step toicard him, arms out- 
.stretched. The laughter and conversation of 
the men is heard in the next room. Mehitabel 
stands dejected and forlorn, but only for an in- 
stant.'] 

Mehitabel : 
I won't love him ! 

[Crossing to the cabinet, she closes it and peers 
into the mirror on the door. She produces a 
book of powder papers, tears out a leaf and 
dabs her eyes and nose.] 

Mehitabel: 
I won't. 

[She removes her apron, surveys herself once 
more in the glass and exits.] 

[Curtain.] 



ACT IV 113 

ACT IV 

Time: — Sunday afternoon of the follounng 
September. 

Scene: — Exterior vieiv of Tomkins' farm near 
Tivo Corners. The house, built of the irregu- 
lar Pennsylvania limestone, rears its full height 
across the entire right of stage. It is built all 
in a row, like the old Colonial inns, but the un- 
compromising lilies of the front have been soft- 
ened somewhat by a porch, hai-monious in style 
ivith the architecture of the house itself, but 
evidently much neiuer. Chaiy^s and a hammock 
give the porch a comfy appearance. The place 
has an air of prosperity, although the dollars 
of its owner have not been alloived to interfere 
ivith its old-time comfort and lack of preten- 
sions. Num^erous ivindoivs luith many panes in 
each sash look out over the lawn. There are ttvo 
entrances to the porch — the main entrance, a 
double door near center, and the kitchen en- 
trance, near front. Both are open save for the 
screen doors. There are screens in the open 
windows, too. The center of the stage is given 
up to the lawn and shi^ubbery. Flowers are 
groiving in front of the porch and a honeysuckle 
vine climbs over the pillar at back of main en- 
trance. At right front is an ornamental gate, 
set in the middle of a curving hedge ivhich loses 
itself at each end in lawn and luoods. The 
background to the picture is a beautiful Cum- 
berland Valley landscape, framed in the far dis- 
tance by the billoivy hills that are called South 
Mountain. Three picturesque clusters of farm 
buildings, apparently a quarter of a mile or so 
aivay across the gleaming creek and a "little 
red scTiool house" make up the essentials of the 
setting. The curtain rises on a clear stage. 



114 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

hut the nasal voice of Sallie intoning "Throw 
Out the Life Line" , and a clatter of kitchen 
things issuing from the door of that apartment, 
indicate that the house is not deserted. Sallie 
interrupts her tune to come to the porch with 
some scraps of meat. 

Sallie : 
[Whistliiig'] H'ya, Midget! H'ya, Midget! H'ya 
H'ya! 

[A monstrous Great Dane comes hounding across 
the stage from an entrance at left back, giving 
voice to deep, bass barks. The girl overcome at 
sight and sound of him, throws down the meat 
and retires precipitately into the kitchen, bang- 
ing the screen door behind her.] 

Sallie : 
Don't you come near me, you Holstein calf ! 

[Enter Burbeck, following the dog. He is sum- 
merishly clad, ivith just enough departure from 
the strict styles of Riverside Drive to show that 
he is noiu divelling in a spot where civilization 
is free and easy. His apparel, hoiuever, is not 
clownish. He is simply a well-bred boy who is 
not on dress parade. Sallie' s fear of the Great 
Dane amuses him hugely. The new Midget is 
his pride and joy.] 

Burbeck : 
He wouldn't hurt a flee , Sallie. 

Sallie : 
If I was a flea, mebbe I'd be willin' to take a chance. 



ACT IV 115 

BURBECK : 

[Fondling the dog] She's a calf herself, isn't she, 
Midget. [To Sallie] Miss Lane isn't in the house, is 
she? 

Sallie : 
You mean Mehitabel? 

[The peculiar' inflection that all native Cen- 
tral Pennsy Iranians give to the i7iterrogation, 
the voice rising in the middle of the sentence 
and falling half way doivn the scale at the end, 
is noticeable in all Sallie's questions. This, 
together with her familiarity with his pretty 
cousin, jars on Burbeck.] 

BURBECK : 
[Mimicing her inflection] No, I don't mean Mehitabel. 
I said Miss Lane. 

Sallie : 
I know you did. Seems funny to think of a boy callin' 
his own cousin "Miss". 

BURBECK : 
Well, has she come yet? 

Sallie : 
'Deed if I know ! And what's more, I ain't got no time 
to stand here chatterin' with you, Verbeke Tomkins. 
I'm a Christian and a United Brethren if you ain't, and 
I always make it a point to go to church at least once on 
Sundays. 

BURBECK : 
That's right, Sallie. I'll go too when Dad gets the auto. 



116 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 



^ 



Sallie : 
We don't call fathers out of their names at Two Corners. 

BURBECK : 

What do you call 'em? 

Sallie : 
We call 'em "pop". 

BURBECK : 

{Putting his hand to his head] Come away from here, 
Midget ! Pop ! Pop ! 

[Exit Barheck and dog, left hack.. Sallie shakes 
her head sadly and goes hack to her work, strik- 
ing up "Briyiging in the Sheaves". Enter Tom- 
kins, Mrs. Tomkins and Dorothy, R. C. Tom- 
kins gazes out over the valley with evident de- 
light, filling his lungs repeatedly ivith the pure 
country air.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Taking a rocking chair and opening her Bible] We 
really ought to have driven in to church this morning. 

Tomkins: 
[Stretching himself out in the hammock] I would have, 
only I have been half expecting some one. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[So mild and subdued as to he quite unlike her formal 
self] You should have mentioned it, Henry. Unex- 
pected guests are very disconcerting to housekeepers. 

Tomkins: 
But I wasn't at all sure when he would come, or whether 
he would come at all. I merely asked him to run up at 
his convenience to taTlc over a little business. 



ACT IV 117 

Dorothy : 

[Seated on step, idly leafing a magazine] Do you think 
the corn crop will buy us a motor car, Father? 

[Tomkins stifles a laugh.'] 

Dorothy : 
We really do need one here, with Carlisle six miles away 
over a road that is all hills. 

Tomkins : 
The fields look pretty good. I hope we can make it by 
November 1, 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Laying her Bible in her lap] Isn't it simply wonderful 
what comforts one can have in the country without 
money? In New York it was a constant scramble for 
cash. Here, Nature lays her wealth in our laps, working 
while we sleep. 

Tomkins: 
Not entirely, my dear. [Holds up one hand] Those blis- 
ters prove that she requires assistance. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Poor Henry ! 

Dorothy : 
But Father, you are no such slave here as you were in the 
city. You employ all the labor you need. When you get 
tired working in the field you can quit. You have shorter 
hours, more recreation — 

Tomkins : 
[Still gazing at his hands] More blisters. 



118 THE SCIENCE OF ME HIT ABEL 

Dorothy : 
Oh, Mother is undoubtedly right. We are all better off 
poor in the country than we were rich in the city. 

TOMKINS: 

You wouldn't care to go back to New York, then? 

Dorothy : 
Not to live. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I'd love to go for a little shopping this fall. 

Dorothy : 
So would I, if we can afford it, but I have lost all desire 
to fight New York's battles and be tossed in its storms. 
There we were always striving for so much and getting 
so little. Here we are getting so much and striving for 
so little. There it was turmoil. Here it is calm. There 
it was hatred and envy. Here it is love and peace. 

Tomkins: 
It's worth more than millions to me to hear you talk like 
that, Dorothy. 

{Dorothy reaches up and gives his hand a 
squeeze.^ 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
But it is hard to accustom oneself to the ways of the 
people. Such barbarous English I never heard. 

Sallie : 
{Appearing at the kitchen door] Is Mister there? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Mister who, Sallie? 



I 



ACT IV 119 

Sallie : 
Laws but you'uns is funny folks. There's only one mister 
in a house, ain't they? 

TOMKINS: 

And he's right here, Sallie. What is it? 

Sallie : 
Did you loss anything? 

[M?'s. Tomkins holds up her hands in ho7'ror at 
this scandalous treatment of a perfectly good 
iwrb. Dorothy laughs: silently.] 

Tomkins : 
Not that I'm aware of. Why ? 

Sallie : 

[Emerging from the door with a telegraph blank in her 
hand] Here's somethin' I found on the dinin' room 
floor. Looks like a telegraph. It says [reads] "Thought 
you had retired from business. Couldn't we talk 
better—" 

Tomkins: 
[Hastily rising to take the telegram] Yes, that's mine, 
Sallie. Don't bother about reading the rest of it. 

Sallie : 
[Returning to the kitchen] Oh, that ain't no trouble. 

[As she slams the door, she sings a bar or two of 
"I Can, I Will, I Do Believe", the song ending as 
abruptly as it begins in a rattle of dishes. Dor- 
othy has suddenly lost interest in the little 
comedy that is going on about her and is 
straining her ears for sweeter music. It is 
the attitude of the girl in the "Far Aivay" 



120 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

picture. Someone in the distance is whistling 
"The Harp that Once on Tara's Walls".] 

TOMKINS: 

One trouble with Sallie's solos is that she never gets a 
chance to finish them. [He seats himself in the ham- 
mock again.'] Someday I'm going to give a concert and 
have her sing a whole piece through. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Better make her the last number so you can get away 
with the box office receipts before she appears, 

Tomkins : 
[Laughing iiproanously and slapping his knee]' By 
Jove, Martha, you're improving. You're acquiring a 
real sense of humor since you retired from society. You 
and I will be getting romantic again the first thing we 
know. Dorothy, did you hear your Mother's joke? 

[Dorothy does not hear him. He now observes 
her abstraction and silently calls his wife's at- 
tention to it. The whistling is clear and dis- 
tinct. Dorothy rises, luaves her hand and 
exits.] 

Tomkins: 
I suppose you've noticed that Dorothy is head over heels 
in love? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I have feared so. 

Tomkins: 
Feared? Why, he's a capital fellow. He's a gentle- 
man, has a college education and all the money he needs. 
What more do you want ? 



ACT IV 121 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What about Donald? 

Tomkins : 
You don't think he's in love with Dorothy, do you? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
He was. 

Tomkins : 
Well, he isn't. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Do you know, Henry, I never could understand it. If 
he hadn't been so lovely to you, I would have thought it 
was our misfortune that made him change. 

Tomkins : 
We've changed a good deal, too. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
That's true. 

Tomkins: 
And the same influence that changed us, changed him? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What do you mean? 

Tomkins: 
I mean Mehitabel. 

[All this is so new and astonishing to Mrs. 
Tomkins that she requires some time to com- 
prehend it.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
If that's the case, Mehitabel must have held out some 



122 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

encouragement. It seems to me she didn't act quite 
fairly. 

TOMKINS: 

To herself. She refused him — on Dorothy's account. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
I'm sorry I said that. 

Tomkins: 
You saw that telegram Sallie handed me? [Takes it out 
of his pocket and reads it over to himself.'] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Yes. 

Tomkins: 
It is from Dunning. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Is he the guest you were expecting? 

Tomkins : 
[Nodding affirmatively] He asked if we couldn't talk 
business better in New York. Evidently afraid to trust 
himself at Two Corners. I wired back: "Seriously in- 
disposed. Must see you here." 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
But what are you going to do if he does come? 

Tomkins: 
When you lead a horse to the water, Martha, he'll drink 
if he's thirsty without your doing anything. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Sh-h! 



ACT IV 123 

[Enter Dorothy and Moore L. S.] 

Dorothy : 
That's very kind, Tom, but I'll never be a match for 
Mehitabel. Aunt Sarah herself says she has to take a 
back seat for her. 

Moore : 
But I tell you that devil's food you sent over yesterday 
couldn't be beat. 

TOMKINS: 

Hello there, neighbor. Do I understand my daughter 
has been practicing on you ? 

Moore : 
I'm a willing victim, Mr. Tomkins. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
How do you do, Mr. Moore. I heard you whistling very 
prettily. I love that "Tara's Harp". 

Tomkins: 
[Indicating the house with a ivave of his hand] We've 
taken it down off the ancestral walls, eh, Tom ? 

Sallie : 
[At the kitchen door] Hello, Tom! 

Moore : 
How are you, Sallie ? 

Sallie : 
I'm REAL well, thank you. 

[She turns away singing, "There's a land that 



124 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

is fairer- than this." The pained look comes into 
Mrs. Tomkins' face again.'] 

Moore : 
Our country manners still puzzle you, I see. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Our country servant does. 

Moore : 
My dear, Mrs. Tomkins, don't let her hear you call her 
that, or she will fold her tent like the Arab. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
What am I to call her? 

Moore : 
"Help", "hired girl" — anything but that despised name 
"servant". You see, there is neither servility nor servi- 
tude in the country. We are merely assisting one an- 
other to assist Nature. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Dubiously] It's a pretty thought. 

Moore : 
[Reassuringly] You'll come to like it better than the 
plan in the big cities, where humanity is labeled and 
price marked like canned goods in a grocery — sardines, 
five cents; salmon, eighteen cents; best quality lobster, 
sixty-five cents. 

Tomkins: 
And where the height of everybody's ambition is to be a 
lobster. 



% 



ACT IV 125 

Dorothy : 
{Attracted by a commotion off to the left] What's the 
matter with Bill ? 

[Shouts and barking in the distance.] 

Moore : 
Is he calling me? 

BURBECK'S VOICE : 
Tom ! Oh, Tom ! 

Moore : 
Hello! 

[Enter Burbeck and Midget in great excite- 
ment. Burbeck has a tomato can in one hand 
and is diving into his pockets ivith the other 
one.] 

Burbeck : 
Come on down to the creek quick ! There's a carp under 
the footbridge as big as my leg. 

Moore : 

Maybe it's a walrus. 

Burbeck : 
Fen dubs on the kidding now ! 

[He produces a tangled mass that looks like a 
hook and line.] 

Dorothy : 

What have you in that tin can, Bill? 



126 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

BURBECK : 
Worms. \_He hauls out a big one.] They're choice, too. 
Have one on me! 

Dorothy : 
Ugh! 

Tom kins: 
You know it's against the law to fish on Sunday ? 

BURBECK : 
Oh, I wouldn't think of fishing on Sunday. I'm just 
going to feed him. 

TOMKINS: 
You'll never make a farmer. You're cut out for a corpo- 
ration lawyer. 

BURBECK : 
[Tugging at Moore's arm] Aw, come on, Tom! 

MooRE : 
All right. Dorothy and I will both go and have a look at 
your fish, but, understand, I will not be a party to break- 
ing a State law. 

BURBECK : 

Why, that law's just as safe with me as it would be with 
its own mother. Get a move on. Sis. Can't you run a 
little? 

Dorothy : 
Go ahead. 

[Enter Sallie, R. C, dressed to go out. Exit 
Burbeck and the dog, Moore and Dorothy fol- 
lowing, the latter tivo laughing and all on the ' 



ACT IV 127 

Sallie : 
Ain't them pretty stockings of Dorothy's? Will you 
look after the fire, Missus ? I can't get used to that hard 
coal someway. We alius use wood at home. 

TOMKINS : 
Going to Sunday school, Sallie? 

Sallie : 
Yes sir. 

Mrs. Tom kins: 
Do you think you can be back by five o'clock? 

Sallie : 
It'll puzzle me some. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
That means you will try ? 

Sallie : 
Yes ma'am. 

[The far off notes of an unmelodious bell are 
heard.'] 

Sallie : 
There goes the first bell. I'll have to walk right smart. 
Goodbye. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
Goodbye. 

Tomkins: 
Goodbye, Sallie. Sing hearty. 

Sallie : 
Yes sir. 



128 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

[Exit Sallie through gate.] 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Rising] I must go look at that fire. 

Tomkins: 
You don't find housekeeping in the country such great 
slavery, do you ? 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
It's getting easier all the time. At first it was a little 
hard, but Mehitabel and Sarah have been so helpful. 

Tomkins: 
Just take it easy and whenever you want to go to New 
York on a shopping expedition let me know and I'll 
squeeze it out of the farm somehow. 

Mrs. Tomkins: 
[Huskily] You are so good to us in our poverty, Henry, 
it almost makes me cry. 

Tomkins : 
[Rising hastily and patting her shoulder] There's 
nothing to cry about. We're all as happy as bees in a 
clover field. You run along now and get your beauty 
sleep. Mustn't forget them you know just because I'm 
the only man around to look at you. 

[Mrs. Tomkins seems quite moved. She gazes 
at him fondly, kisses him suddenly and exits 
through the kitchen door, leaving the husband 
paralyzed with astomshme?it. Sounds of coal 
rattling in a bucket and then silence. Tomkins 
looking ivell pleased with himself and the tvorld, 
descends to the lawn, examines the flowers 
along the porch and takes a few turns in front 
of it. A horse's hoofs are heard and the animal, 



ACT IV 129 

draiving a mud-splashed, dilapidated piano box 
buggy, is pulled up at the gate. Dunning leaps 
out and TomJdns rushes to meet him. The 
driver who has brought Dunning, a rustic 
answering to the name of Jerry, does not leave 
his seat.] 

TOMKINS : 
Hello, there, Donald my boy! I'm just tickled all to 
pieces to see you. 

Dunning : 
Same here, Mr. Tomkins. [They shake hands.] You're 
looking almost as young as Burbeck. 

Tomkins : 
Bosh! You must take me for a female. Here, Jerry, 
give me that. 

[He takes Dunning's bog.] 

Dunning : 

[Handing half a dollar to Jerry] There you are, my 
man. 

Jerry : 

[Chuckling] "My man!" He says "my man", Henry. 
He must be a duke or a prince. I heard a feller on the 
stage say that once. 

Tomkins: 
[Whispering] He's just over from England. 

Jerry : 

I thought so. [To Dunning as he examines the coin] 
Ain't ye got nothin' smaller? 



130 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Dunning: 
[Fumbling for more] I beg your pardon. I didn't mean 
to underpay you. 

[He holds out a dollar bill, which Jerry stares 
at stupidly but makes no move to take.] 

Jerry : 
Gosh hang it, man, didn't I tell ye it was only two bits ? 

Dunning: 
[Laughing as he 2)ockets the dollar] Oh, well, if that's 
all, never mind the change. 

Jerry : 
[Sternly] Say, young feller, did you ever hear that old 
sayin' about a fool and his money ? Henry, can you bust 
a half dollar? 

TOMKINS: 

I'll see. [Produces a handful of small change] Yes, 
here you are. 

[Jerry hands Tomkins the larger coin and takes 
the smaller ones, ivhich he cou7its over care- 
fully.] 

Jerry : 
[To Dunning] Here, young man ! 

[Dunning approaches and in obedience to a 
^notion from the driver holds out his right 
hand.] 

Jerry : 

Twenty-five — that was what ye owed me, — twenty-five 
cents ? 



ACT IV 131 

Dunning : 



Correct. 



Jerry : 

[Dropping the coins one at a time'] Twenty-five and ten 
is thirty-five and five is forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, 
forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. See if that's right. 

Dunning : 
To the penny. 

Jerry : 

[Gathering up the reifis] How's the world iisin' you, 
Henry ? 

TOMKINS : 
Handsomely, Jerry! Handsomely! 

Jerry : 
Seems good to have you back in the old Cumberland 
Valley again. Clucks to his horse. Goodbye. Git up 
there, Doll. 

TOMKINS: 

Goodbye, Jerry. 

Dunning : 
I'm very much obliged for that lesson in finance. I mean 
to profit by it. 

Jerry : 

[Calling back] That's the way to talk. I knowed you 
was a good sort. 

[Exit Jerry.] 

Dunning : 
An old friend, evidently? 



132 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 

V/e went to school together in that little red school 
house. 

[A bell rings.'] 

TOMKINS: 

That's the bell. They are having Sunday school there 
now. It's the same bell that called Jerry and me "to 
books", as they say here, when we were so high. 

Dunning : 
And this is your own ancestral mansion? 

TOMKINS : 
The place where I was born and my father was born and 
my father's father. It was pretty badly tumbled down 
when I bought it for twice what it was worth, but it's 
beginning to look pretty good again, don't you think so? 

Dunning : 
Great! Gad, what a view! How far does your farm 
run? 

TOMKINS: 
To the creek. That place off there to the right belongs 
to my sister Sarah's husband. 

\Dumii7ig becomes interested immediately. He 
gazes in silence at the home of Mehitabel.] 

Dunning: 
It looks just like her! 

TOMKINS: 

You never met Sarah, did you ? 



ACT IV 133 

Dunning : 
Let me take that bag. I didn't notice that you were 
holding it all this time. 

TOMKINS: 
[Pushing him away] Never mind, now! You fall into 
that easy chair on the porch and I'll put the bag inside 
the door. 

Dunning: 

[Doing as he is bidl This is certainly immense! If it 
were within corn-mutation distance of New York wouldn't 
it be worth a mint? 

TOMKINS: 

[Tossing the bag into the hall and taking a chair near] 
Dunning'] Not to me. No Forty-five Minutes from 
Broadway in mine, thank you. 

Dunning: 
Of course, a man with a fortune like yours can make 
himself comfortable almost anywhere. 

TOMKINS : 
Sh-h ! I'm a poor man. 

Dunning: 
Poor? With $3,000,000? 

Tomkins : 
Don't talk so loud. They don't know it. They think 
Nature's giving it to me. 

Dunning : 
Do you mean to say that you've kept up the bluff all this 
time? 



134 



THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 



TOMKINS : 
Yes, and they're happier than they've ever been in their 
lives before. 

Dunning: 
But they can see that you're spending money here — lots 
of it. 

TOMKINS: 
They think the farm gives it to us. You see, living off 
there in New York ,they didn't know a farm from a gold 
mine. They thank our dairy for their daily bread. 
They are grateful to the pigs for their clothing. We 
have hopes that the corn crop will buy us an automobile 
next month. 

[He laughs quietly, Dunning joining in.'] 

TOMKINS: 

They're mighty appreciative of what Nature gives them, 
too. They don't take so much for granted with Nature 
as they did with me. 

Dunning : 
Don't they ever get homesick for the city? 

TOMKINS: 
Occasionally, but I'll encourage an occasional visit. It's 
that infernal society business, that everlasting social Pil- 
grim's Progress that I can't stand for. 



Dunning: 
It's a game that sooner or later sours every player. 

Tomkins: 
You've improved since "The Girl of the Golf Links". 



ACT IV 135 

Dunning: 
Miss Lane's science has opened the eyes of more than one 
of us, Mr. Tomkins. But tell me, what is the business 
you wanted to talk over. 

Tomkins : 
Oh — a — well, you see, we — we never talk business at Two 
Corners on Sunday. The neighbors wouldn't like it. 

[He half rises to squint across the lawn as though 
trying to make out the identity of some one. 
Seemingly satisfied, he resumes his seat.l 

Dunning : 

But I must catch the night train back to New York. 

Tomkins: 
You'll do no such thing. You'll stay here at least a week. 

Dunning : 
Very kind of you to ask me, but I simply must get away 
to-night. 

Tomkins: 

Of course, if you must, you must. Excuse me a moment, 
will you, Donald? 

Dunning : 
To be sure. [He sees Moore and Dorothy approaching. '\ 
Isn't that Dorothy? 

Tomkins : 
Yes, you haven't seen her since she got back from Europe, 
have you? 

Dunning : 

[Who has risen as though wishing to avoid the inter- 
vieiv'] No. 



136 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

TOMKINS: 
[Pushing him back into the chair} Well, you sit right 
there behind that vine and surprise them. That's Moore 
with her. They didn't know I was expecting you. Now 
mind! Don't say anything until they walk in on you. 
I'll be back shortly. 

[Exit Tomkins, R. C. Ente7' Dorothy and 
Moore, L. B. The young people are very close 
together and wholly oblivious to everything ex- 
cept their own poiverful attraction for each 
other.'] 

Dorothy : 

You swear to me that you have never loved anyone else? 

Moore : 
I swear. 

Dorothy : 
Not even Mehitabel? 

Moore : 
Oh, of course, everybody loves Mehitabel. I proposed to 
her something like twenty-five times before I was sixteen. 
After that I got discouraged and decided I would be a 
brother to her. 

Dorothy : 
You're sure you haven't proposed to her since you were 
sixteen ? 

Moore : 
I might have been sixteen and a half the last time. Any- 
way, it was a long while ago. 

[They have paused close to the vine. Dunning, 



ACT IV 137 

on the other side of it, looks first surprised, then 
pleased, then_ embarassed.^ 

Dorothy : 
How could she have resisted you, Tom? 

Moore : 
Have you never suspected that Mehitabel's affections 
were not at Two Corners? 

Dorothy : 
What do you mean? 

Moore : 
I feel sure she is in love with the man to whom I thought 
you were engaged. 

Dorothy : 
Donald? 

Moore : 
Yes, I want to ask you something, Dorothy. Did you 
love that man ? 

Dorothy : 
At one time I thought I did and he may have thought he 
was in love with me. Now that you mention it, it was 
Mehitabel who showed us both that we were on the 
wrong track. 

Moore : 
You were not engaged ? 

Dorothy : 
No. And I never felt toward him or toward any other 
man as I feel toward you, Tom. 



138 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

Moore : 



Dorothy 



[They are on the point of flying into each 
other's arms as Dunning begins to cough 
violently.] 

Dunning: 

[Emerging from behind the vine] There is nothing for 
it but to fess up, shower you with congratulations and 
beg you to help me get even with your rogue of a father. 
He inveigled me into hiding behind that vine. 

Dorothy : 

[ShaJcing hands wannlyl ^'ni awfully glad to see you, 
Donald, and it doesn't matter if you have gotten into our 
secret a little prematurely. 

Moore : 
I hope you will congratulate me, Mr. Dunning ? 

Dunning: 
[Fairly bubbling as he wrings Moore's hand] Well, I 
should say I do ! 

Dorothy : 
[Laughing] You are too eager to be complimentary. 

Dunning : 
Mr. Moore Icnows I appreciate my loss as much as any- 
body could and that I am only rejoicing in the evident 
happiness of both of you. 

Moore : 
Gracefully said, Mr. Dunning! You will make Two 
Corners a real visit I hope? 



ACT IV 139 

Dunning: 
Oh, I'll probably be here for a month or two. Is that 
your place over there, Mr. Moore? [He points to the 
farm buildings in the middle.} 

Moore : 
No, that's mine at the left. 

Dunning : 

[Pointing again to the one in the center-] Whose is that? 

Moore : 
It's known as the Stuart place. The old Scotch-Irish 
family that owned it has gone to sticks and the farm is 
to be put up at public sale next week. 

[Dunning nods significantly, as much as to say : 
"I'll be there."] 

BuRBECK's voice : 
I got him ! I got him ! 

[Enter Burbeck holding out a big fish. He spies 
Donald and shakes hands ivith him.] 

Burbeck : 
My soul and breeches ! V/here did you come from ? 

Dunning : 
Jerry hauled me over from somewhere. I'm not quite 
sure where. Something of a catch, that, Bill. 

Dorothy : 
Didn't Father tell you it was against the law to fish on 
Sunday? 

Burbeck : 
I wasn't fishing exactly. I was trying to feed him worms 



140 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

when he bit the hook by mistake and before I could get 
it out he died of asphyxiation. 

Moore : 
Where's your dog, Bill? 

BURBECK : 
[Whistling] Where is he? [Whistles again.] 

Dorothy : 

Our new Midget, Donald. 

BURBECK : 
I know where he is. Re's gone over to call on Mehitabel. 
He does that every day that she doesn't come to see us. 
Come on in and help me lay out the corpse, won't you, 

Sis? 

Dorothy : 
I don't know much about undertaking for a fish. 

Moore : 
We might all go in and have another lesson in Mehitabel's 
science. [They move toivard kitchen doo?'.] These 
obsequies are very simple. You fill a pan with water 
and put the fish in it. 

Dorothy : 
And then wait for Sallie. 

[Exit Moore and Burbeck, R. F. Dunning 
pauses at the poi'ch steps.] 

Dunning : 
I think I'll take a stroll around the grounds, Dorothy. 
Will you please tell your father I'll be back in an hour 
or two? 



ACT IV 141 

Dorothy : 
There are only 135 acres in the farm. 

Dunning : 
I might take in some of the surrounding country, too? 
Riding all day has made me dreadfully nervous. 

Dorothy : 
[Laughing at himi Very well, I'll tell Father. We have 
supper — supper mind you — not dinner, — at five thirty. 

[Exit Dorothy. No sooner has she disappeared 
than Dunning bolts for the gate. Enter Mehita- 
bel, accompanied by the Great Dane. They 
almost collide and stand spellbound for a few 
seconds, gazing into each other's eyes.] 

Mehitabel : 
[Putting out her hand] So you have come to Two Cor- 
ners, after all ? 

Dunning: 
I have come for you, Mehitabel. 

[Mehitabel takes away the hand that he has 

retained.] 

Dunning : 
Dorothy and Moore have just confided to me that they 
are engaged to be married. 

Mehitabel : 
They told you that? 

Dunning : 
Yes, and they told me that you were never engaged to 
Tom Moore in your life. Why did you tell me that story, 
Mehitabel? You needn't answer me, dear. I know 
why. There is one apology I will accept— only one. 



142 THE SCIENCE OF MEHITABEL 

[She turns to find him standing with arms out- 
stretched.'] 

Dunning : 
Well? 

[With a cry, she runs into his arms. Presently, 
he leads her down the lawn.] 

Dunning : 
I want to show you our new home. There [pointing to 
the Stuart place] will that suit you? 

[Mehitabel's expression as she cuddles closer to 
him is a ivordless ansiver that seems to satisfy 
him. They are in this attitude, gazing out over 
the valley together, when Tomkins enters, R. C, 
a cigar in his mouth and another in his hand 
which he holds out to the chair where Dunning 
had been sitting.] 

Tomkins : 
Try this, Don— 

[He discovers that the chair is empty, looks 
around quickly and espies Dunning and Mehita- 
bel. Chuckling, he returns the cigar to his 
pocket, bites off the end of his own cigar, turns 
his back on the pair, strikes a match noisily 
against a pillar of the porch and lights up. The 
crackling match apprises Dunning and Mehita- 
bel of his presence. Guiltily, happily, hand in 
hand, they approach the beamingly unconscious 
Tomkins, who is bloiving out great clouds of 
smoke.] 

[Curtain.] 



MAY 4 1912 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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017 373 259 4 f 



